ten lbs of monkey crap in a five lb bag

x10

2011-09-29T12:15:00.000-07:00

Dec 7, 2008
As a side note, I realize I often bring up the natural way I had my babies and the following breast feeding...and I realize that it could seem like I am awfully proud of myself...here is the deal...THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH WOMAN IN THIS COUNTRY THAT REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF, OR HOW STRONG THEY ARE, AND I DON'T WANT A WOMAN ON THE BRINK OF THINKING SHE COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH A NATURAL CHILDBIRTH, BUT WISHING SHE COULD, TO PASS UP TRYING BECAUSE I DIDN'T BOTHER TO MENTION THAT I TRIED IT, AND IT WAS WONDERFUL AND AWESOME AND HAD VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH MY ABILITIES, OTHER THAN THAT I WAS WILLING TO TRY IT AND EDUCATED MYSELF FOR WHAT TO EXPECT FIRST. Ahem, okay then, so there is that...oh, and also, any woman that has even tried to have a natural birth SHOULD be proud of herself...you go earth mama...the dawn of time nods its head at you in approval.

I love you all...thank you, and goodnight.

x9

2011-09-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

Aug 28, 2008
I love my kids...they are so random and you can never be prepared for what they are going to do next.
I was mowing the grass this morning trying to beat the heat (86 already today) and the kids were outside with me...Mikey in his Hop N Pop (activity center for babies) and Lil was just running around playing.
I guess I should explain why I was the one mowing so no one things Jason is a heel...we have a push mower and I mean the kind that just takes pushing...no gas or electic...we are talking old school, save the earth kind of push mower...I say all that because a friend offered to mow for me while Jason was deployed and thought I meant a push/gas type mower...but he was a sweet heart and stayed anyway and mowed our yard for us...even if he did curse a few hippies while doing so. Anyway, our grass has kind of rendered the push mower broken as it has become too high for the mower....SO, we had to borrow a mower from our housing community and they only give you 24 hours to use them...well it rained all yesterday and Jason had to work today so...that is why I am mowing...so, phew...this is a lot of explaining...anyway, I am mowing away merrily glad for a change in routine when I see Mikey putting something in his mouth and chomping away...I run over to find that Lil had been putting wet sand on his tray and laughing with delight as he stuffed his mouth full! He was covered in sand (which will probably help get the poop off his back...yes he did it again today) and so happy...I felt bad as I brushed the sand off him and scooped it out of his cheeks...I can only imagine what this is going to do for his system...I'm sure he's really gonna get cleaned out now...so in prep for that I have him only in a tee shirt...I am pretty sure I should be upset somehow about all of this...and I did tell Lily not to let him eat stuff for saftey's sake...but really I am too amused at the little stinkers to get all riled. What are they gonna do next I wonder.

Nov 24, 2008
Diapers and the things that go in them..
Lily has learned how to take off her diaper...this is a good sign that she is getting more coordinated, more grown up, may want to try potty training soon...it is also a disaster every time. The first time she did it I didn't even know...I was in her room getting Mikey changed and talking to her (she was still in her crib) when she laughed and bent over her knees to lay on a pile of stuffed lovies...that's when I saw her bare bottom sticking up in the air from under her nightgown...I freaked out and started looking for the diaper, not knowing what was in it. I finally found it stashed in the middle of her pile of stuffed lovies...she had it all wadded up and ready for the trash...thankfully it was only pee and she hadn't gone since. The next time I just knew it was going to happen so I was watching the monitor for when she woke up...I didn't want her getting bored and taking it off...I'm glad she has the skill but I want her supervised when she does it...mostly so there is no huge mess. I got distracted by Mikey and when I next looked at the screen she was sitting up just staring at the camera...not movng or speaking...it was really quite creepy...so sure enough she had done the same but couldn't quite get it all the way off as she was in sleep pants this time. Then there was the surprise day. Michael had gotten up from his nap and I was on the phone with my Mother-in-law...Lily had yet to go to sleep for her nap but was getting there till about half way through our conversation she starts calling me...not unusual esp when she doesn't want to nap...well it was a good talk and I didn't want to interrupt and I didn't think anything was wrong so when I did get off the phone to go upstairs and tell her she had to lay down and sleep I was not, in any way, prepared for the smell when I opened the door to her room...as soon as I had walked in I knew there was a poop problem...and to my great shock and horror (yeah, not a good day for a germ-a-phobe) she had taken off her POOPY diaper and tried to throw it in the trash...that's all fine and good but the trash is covered so she had laid the diaper on the lid and the poop had rolled out all over the carpet...and since it had been several minutes she had touched just about everything with poop smeared hands...I didn't know where to start...she needed to get cleaned up, the pooped needed cleaned up and Mikey needed to leave it all alone...not a good day...this was the same day that Mikey woke me up by pooping out of his clothes and all over MY BED!!! Lots of extra laundry this week.
When life gets you down...think about my turd laden carpet and laugh...I do and it sure helps.

Dec 7, 2008
The breast feeding mommy and natural born babies
Current mood:awake
Okay, so I am sorta a hippie...alright, I'm a hippie...I compost and recycle and own some tie-dye...I breast feed my son and when she was a baby I breast fed my daughter...I had them both in a warm tub of water...in a bedroom...with no drugs before/during/or after...I have yet to immunize (though I will at some later date for a few things) and I would love to eat locally and organically...I am a huge fan of homeopathic medicine and use it for myself and children when I am sure of what is going on...though I admit I am not comfortable in resorting to homeopathics for everything yet, mostly because I don't know nearly enough about them, or even what to use for what in most cases...what I am pondering here is this: Why do I feel like I am the weirdo? I'm not questioning my choices because I know they were right for me and my family and have helped the earth etc. But why are my choices so heavily questioned by everyone around me? Family, friends, acquaintances? It seems like no one wants to think for themselves or read something other than what the media mass produces. We cannot as a whole and esp. as individuals all fit into the box of averages that we are all judged SO heavily by in our society...everyone, and every BODY is different and unique...we all require different things...so for me, to have a baby in a bright, cold room with an IV, and monitors beeping and people coming in and out staring at my bits, and treating me like I am a fixture in the room rather than a person, in a vulnerable position, needing to be treated personally, and caringly is out of the question...as a person, I was not created to work that way...the thought of that scenario makes me feel afraid and sick to my stomach. I do realize that other people in the world are in no way made to feel afraid in that scenario, and would feel scared and sick to their stomach to think of having a baby in a dimly lit room with no OBGYN or team of experts marching through, let alone no drugs to ease their discomfort...and that is OKAY! I do my very best to keep my passion for "the way of the hippie" at a bare minimum and not voice my highly thought opinion too loudly or too often...really I want every woman to have the awesome/beautiful/peaceful experience I got to have...no matter how it gets played out, or where. I'm not even sure why I am blogging about this right now...I'm not pregnant and I don't plan on more kids...I guess I just have a passion for the path of birth and the following choices that mommies make for their babies...I guess I want desperately to see more healthy kids with in-tune parents...parents that take active roles in finding what is truly best for their kids...because they are THEIR kids and unique to them and not necessarily from the special box of averages our society relates so very well to. I guess I am feeling not so free in this land of freedom my husband fights for...I am feeling like our family, and others around us, make huge sacrifices only to reinforce the limits our "free" society has put on all of us...I'm not trying to say there is some conspiracy or anything nutty like that...I am just saying I think we all need to do just that...THINK...take a minute...read something not on the best sellers list...listen to something un-polished...find some beauty in something usually thought to be ugly (for instance, stretch marks are very unattractive until you think about the beautiful art of creating a life and sacrificing parts of your own to continue the future generations...I'm still blown away by my kids when I look at them and remember that every organ they have, every eyelash was formed inside MY body...helps me not mind the road map on my ass and hips...and strange as it may sound, I can now accept my less than perfect body BETTER than I ever could accept my nearly perfect teen/young adult/pre baby body)...let's all try and find a peaceful moment to get back to our senses and back to our unique personal selves. We all seek acceptance in this life and we all tend to accept the "norm" (aka average) but don't you think it's time to spice up the blandness that norm and averages lend, with something a little different? (insert Monty Python here) I know I want some spice...so look out friends and family, who knows what kinda crazy this hippie mama is gonna get into next.
Main points:
Everyone is unique
Don't be a Lemming
We should all strive to accept or look past things we don't understand well or find strange...within the bounds of reason (don't drink the kool-aid just because you're trying to show you're accepting and can look past the strangeness...I hope you all know what I am referring too or I am gonna sound like a weirdo...oh wait...I am)
Oh, and if you too are a hippie mama...don't blog after reading the Mothering magazine or you run the risk of blathering on and on like I am right now.

x8

2011-09-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

June 9, 2008
Nothing like your lover...I am now complete again...I have been half alive, half a person...there is no compairason to this man that loves me and I love in return...I live for him and through him in ways...he is a walking example of how God loves me and works and what not...I look at Jason and know that there is a God and know that that God loves me and wow...I am really without words but I keep trying anyway to say something amazing about this man that has come home to me...I don't even care that he is up again for another deployment...he's here now and I guess we have to live in the moment cause that's all we have...I am so grateful...so thankful that we are all together as a family again...I am so thankful I have a family at all...I am the most blessed girl I know and I do not deserve a bit of it...but I am grateful....so grateful...and as much as I hate mustaches....I LOVE Jason's...he's my star...yes I know he looks like a 70's porn star (not that I've seen a 70's porno)...but he's my porn star...and that's okay...in the last year and a half he's been gone half a year...he's missed more than half of Michaels life and a third of Lily's...they haven't noticed much but I have...I know I am rambling...I know I haven't posted a good, funny blog in a while...but hey...this is where I am at...look around your life...take in what you do have and be grateful....life is so short...life is so tough...life is nothing without the ones we love...life is nothing without being loved in return. Good night.

July 14, 2008
So I was at the computer tonight...obviously...and a bee just comes all up in my business and stings me on the throat...and then falls into my shirt...I don't understand it...and I really don't like it...I do, however, think it is funny that a bee sting gets me all riled up and child birth was alright...I mean neither one was fun but I think I would take delivering a child over bee sting on throat. As a side note I have the dangest time typing the word throat...I keep wanting to put a gh in it...what is that?!
We have a new friend...his name is Herman...he is a toad that comes to visit us almost every night and eat the bugs off our porch. We like Herman...but we don't touch Herman...ever seen Big Trouble?! Well this toad is like that one...touch it and hallucinate or get sick or possible die...so we stay away from Herman...but we welcome him and all his toady glory...he's pretty cute and portly.
We may have cracked our engine block...I don't know what that means other than this: Bad, Lots of money gone, Bad, new car time?!
I think I have to be done for tonight...I had a lot to blog about but my throat hurts...a lot...so I'm gonna go ice it...and try not to die...if I do die though...well, know that I love you all and look after my babies for me...they are so precious to me.

Aug 19, 2008
Some thoughts:

I would like to go to the bathroom alone...as it stands during the day when I need to use the facilities I have an audience of two...Mikey would find a way to kill himself if I didn't have him in there with me and Lily would find a way to kill him if I left them both out...and if I left Lily out the neighbors would think I was killing her by the screams she would emit....so I have groupies....this is hard for me...I don't even like using public bathrooms because the person next to you might hear you pee...or worse...but at least there is a wall up...at home half the time I've got Lily on my lap while I read her a book and try to get creative when I need to pause for a push...the things you don't think about before having kids.

Herman the toad has fathered a son who now also eats our bugs...yay! On that note, the other night when the kids were asleep and I was surfing the net...Jason pops in the house and tells me to come outside...as I step out I hear this eerie sound...kind of like as my friend Melissa (who is familiar with this sound-the frog part not the insanity part) put it INSANITY...this deafening siren scream...Jason and I, being the nerds that we are had to investigate...to find a large puddle of water with hundreds of toads getting it on while they had the chance...being the desert and all, standing water isn't just something you find out here.

Lily is learing all about being a big sister...how it is a "bad choice" to smash wooden blocks into Michael's soft spot...how letting Michael play with a single toy isn't going to kill her....she is getting quite good at demonstrating how to crawl for our almost crawling Michael...today she was lifting up her legs as high as she could to show him how to move his legs...SO FUNNY.

I was the no TV mom till I had two kids and a house full of work that I couldn't get done...so now I am a "find a happy place" while the kids watch Elmo on Seasame street mom as I fold laundry or whatever...I am now the oh well...it won't kill them or make them retarded mom.

Lost a few pounds...can barely squeeze into the next size down pants...but yay all the same.

Okay, well that is enough for now...I can't concentrate anymore so I quit.

Aug 27, 2008
"Jason, you need to have a talk with your son!" This is what I said to J as he left for work this afternoon (came home for lunch). This makes the third day in a row that Mikey has pooped himself silly at least twice in a day. When I say pooped silly...I mean there is poop EVERYWHERE...it's in his hair, his neck rolls, eyebrows, pouring out of his diaper all over his high chair...everywhere. My biggest complaint is when there is just a pooh trail IN his diaper...like a rocket shooting off would leave a trail of smoke...Mikey leaves a trail of pooh from between those cheeks...and that's it...the rest of the pooh is not neatly contained in the diaper...it is pouring out the back end, up into his clothes...and poopy clothes does not a happy mommy make. I think part of me is bitter because he doesn't have solid poop yet...he still refuses to eat anything but rice cereal and mom milk unlike his sister who at 8 months was almost totally on solids.
If Jason wasn't such a good provider and good man I would have a much bigger issue with doing 99% of the diaper changes...but for the most part they are no big deal and I don't mind...the exploding diapers are a whole other thing though...in the past week I've gotten a handful of poop when picking Mikey up...poop all over my PJ's when holding an exploding Mikey, poop clean up needed on furniture, and clothes and once (this morning) no garbage bag to put the poopy mess into...that was fun. I think Mikey just wants to be naked baby and not have clothes to poop on...so naked he will be, at least until I get some more laundry done.
Until you find me in the corner rocking and humming with poop face paint...all is well...at that point though, somebody get me a night off of baby duty!
May your clothes be poop-less and your laundry light.

x7

2011-09-29T12:03:00.000-07:00

March 8, 2008
potty chair naughty chair
Current mood:blessed
I suppose some day Lily will hate that I tell on her for these things...but they are so darn funny now that I can't help myself...I bought Lily a potty chair...it even makes flushing sounds when you move the handle...Lily begged to sit on it and go potty so we gave it a whirl...she basically ran around the house without any pants on for an hour and then decided that she had to go right as I was nursing Michael and couldnt help her...so she peed all over herself and the tile floor...I felt really bad about this because she bawled her eyes out...it broke her heart to not only miss out on going in the toilet but to pee all over herself when she had done her part in telling me...that was the topper...well the next time she told me I made sure I was able to help her (not to mention that we didn't let her run around without a diaper on anymore) and she went on her own in the potty chair...the kid is amazing! At the time she was just 14 months and believe me this was not me pushing her to do this...she gets an enormous kick out of telling us she needs to or has gone potty...she still doesn't talk so she makes this ehh?! sound, grins and grabs her belly...then when we ask if she has or needs to go potty she makes the same sound and runs to the potty chair...endless delight in flushing the chair to hear the "good job" "all done" "way to go" followed by the running flushing sound...good times...smart as a whip this girl...in the car today she was pointing at something and making her woof woof sound to indicate a doggie...we had no idea what she was pointing at or wanted let alone what was dog like in the car...while we were waiting in the parking lot for Doreen (my mother in law) I figured it out...while at a garage sale earlier in the day she had been given a juice box...on the box is a picture of Cliffered the big red DOG...she wanted some juice...she was thirsty and since she doesn't use real words she tried to tell us the only way she could...I felt like a dunce for not getting it sooner but I was awfully proud of her efforts...she drank the whole thing and when we got home what did we hear?! Eeeehhh?! Did you go potty? Ehhhh! Do you need a diaper change? Ehhhh! Life is good. How did I ever get through a day without kids to make it?! My kids rock my socks off...I cannot imagine my life without them.

April 10, 2008
Lily and I have a dance thing...if we hear music we bop our heads...if we happen to be standing we bop and move the feet (usually in a slight stepping movement) and usually throw in a butt squat/swivel...if the music is particularly good we bop, step, swivel, squat and turn in circles...the best though is when she wants to be held while I dance...now if you know me you know I can't actually dance...so I just jive out to the tune while holding her...she usually clings to me like a tiny monkey baby...one arm around my neck the other flapping to the music...we do dips, we do quick turns, we jump...and she squeezes me tight...I feel like a good mom when we dance...I feel like I've done something right (other than teach her how to really dance)...I feel like she loves me as much as she can in that moment...all this silliness payed off too...we were at her play group this week and at the end every kid gets to sing their favorite song...she chose twinkle twinkle and danced her heart out in front of everyone...at the end everyone claps (I'm not sure why but the kids love it) and she so thought they were clapping for her...she just broke out in more dance moves and smiles and clapped for herself...I never would have had the guts to do that even at her age...I'm so proud of her tenaciousness...she's the me I want to be...well mostly...I'm pretty much over my diaper phase...I'd be such a loser without my kids...they rock.

May 21, 2008
Jason is deployed again and this last month of his deployment his mother who had been kind enough to live with me and the kids to help out while he was away had to leave...so I left for my parents house in Las Vegas...I decided to make it a two day drive, stopping in Prescott AZ where my cousin and her kids live...that way I reasoned it would only be two shorter days in the car...I left Tucson at 6pm thinking it was close enough to Lily's bed time that she would just crash out in the car and sleep the whole way..what I didn't plan for was rush hour traffic...driving into the setting sun for an hour and major road construction...by the time I got to Phoenix I was a wreck...oh and the kids screamed the whole way...while on the road I got a call from my cousin letting me know that her son most likely had come down with the chicken pox...not a huge deal really but almost funny because almost every time we have gotten together her kids have gotten mine sick...so this was just an added stresser even though the chicken pox aren't really a big deal...I pull over at a rest stop trying to decide what to do...turn around and say forget it...continue to Anna's and hope that Lily doesn't get sick (or more sick than she should with chicken pox) drive on through Phoenix and go to Las Vegas all in one night....I finally decided to just stick to the plan and go to Prescott...the rest of the drive was still pretty bad...both kids screamed for most of it and there was road construction on most of it making things frustrating...there was one plus though...it was pitch black out and suddenly I had bright head lights in my back window blinding me...this person was right on my bumper and stayed there for several minutes...all the while I'm saying "go around and get off my ass!" They finally zoom around me and I realize it was two guys on two motorcycles...they zoom off in front of me whizzing by a cop...who then pulled them over! So the next day was pretty smooth till I got on the road...my directions had me continuing on a road that just ended with a drop off...so I had to figure out a new way to get out of town...I figure that out and some how I end up taking a wrong turn on the highway and get on the wrong highway not noticing till I am almost to Flagstaff (only an added 2 hours at least) There had been road construction right off the bat and I think I must have messed up then...or it could be that there are three roads all labeled the same thing on the map and I just picked the wrong one...dumb...anyway...the kids were not much better this time and since I was going the wrong way I ended up going through these small towns that are built right on the road so you're going like 15 miles an hour all the way through while dodging tourists and other motorist...you get out of those and end up on this scary twisty high road in the middle of a mountain...I thought I was going to drive right over the edge...and the kids screaming didn't help my driving anyway...I could have cried when I realized I had gone the wrong way...I should have been half way but really had just begun and I was already done emotionally...stopping to go to the bathroom was interesting...I had to strap Michael to me in the front pack and do the kiddie leash for Lily so I could walk all three of us into the biggest stall I could find...if I hadn't taken the wrong road I wouldn't have had to go...then as a final topper my parents have this new house that I had never driven to and it's a good 45 min. longer to get there from AZ than the old one...all the roads to the new place are new and not all of them have signs up yet...I took a left hand turn right into opposing traffic and never would have known except cars driving the "wrong way" started to come at me...I was terrified! I thought I was going to get us all killed...thankfully there was another left hand turn lane that I pulled into and flipped a U-ie in...ahhhh! But we got here...only by the grace of God! All this to say I'm not looking forward to the drive home...there is a pay off though...when we get home Jason will be like five days away from being there too!
Can't wait for the kids to be excited for a road trip!

x6

2011-09-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Dec 31, 2007
Natural birth
Current mood:refreshed
I noticed a few people commented about natural birth after I posted my last blog...I guess I should explain that although the second time around it wasn't any easier than the first...it also wasn't any harder except for my preconcieved expectations from last time...so, all that to say I would have another natural, drug free birth in a heart beat if it was a choice between that and a hospital birth...unless I didn't qualify for the birth center (you have to be a low risk pregnancy as they don't do major surgery etc at the birth center...but have access to the hosp. accross the street)...as uncomfortable as it is to birth a baby there is nothing else like it in all the world and to not experience it fully would, at least for me, have been a shame and a missed opporunity to see just what a woman is capable of and able to handle...this time around I know I prayed my ass off cause I wasn't as confident...last time I don't remember...either way I know for me and my babies I did the right thing...it isn't the right thing for everyone and I know that...but I certainly hope I haven't directed anyone away from such an awesome experience just because I expected one thing and got another...in the end I got two healthy babies, two fast labors, two managable pain situations, two totaly different points of view about how delivery looks and works. Okay, enough...but a serious TAWANDA! To any other women out there that are nutty enough to believe their bodies are meant to and able to (baring any health issues or other complications) give birth without unnessisary medical intervention, drugs and a whole troup of strangers coming in and out of your brightly lit hospital room...bring on the temporary pain with the long term positive results and the softly lit room with one CNM, one RN and one slightly freaked out husband...I couldn't have done it without him!

Jan 16, 2008
So were driving down the road and Michael decides he is hungry and must be fed NOW...he does this laughing duck sound when he's really upset and so we try and not laugh at his frustration...Jason leans back and offeres his pinky to be sucked on in place of a binky or boob...Michael is starting to get wise to this tactic of desperation and resists the pinky...Jason out of frustration says "Just take my pinky guy...it's good for you and besides it softens my hangnails...it's like a pedicure" When I tell him that a pedi. is for the feet he exasperatedly says "whatever, you know what I mean and that actually adds to my credability as a man." So, I had to write this down before I forgot it as I found the whole thing hilarious...Jason not so much...he just kept saying do you really need to write that down? Really? Ah well, I make enough embarassing moments for the two of us...it's about time I got to share some.

Jan 22, 2008
I don't think I would change the fact that we decided to circ. our son...but gee wiz...not a fun day for any of us...the only "fun" part was spotting the name of the board they restrain your baby onto...it was called the "circumstraint"...no joke...we had a bit of a laugh about that...but then they asked us to leave the room...and we could hear Michael screaming all down the hall...in reality the proceedure is really basic, fast, and fairly pain free at least while it's being done...they pumped him full of pain killer and what not...but that doesn't matter...my baby cried and I couldn't do anything about it...and I feel so much guilt...even though I know the only cons are mild...infection, doing it wrong and bleeding...I still feel like we let someone hurt our baby...I guess when you spend nine months...or nearly ten if your me...protecting something so precious...it really kills you to know your baby is in pain because of a choice you made...I know Michael will be glad he doesn't have to look at this choice when he's older and make it for himself...I mean how many boys or men do you know that want all the benifits of being Circumcised but are willing to stare it in the face...I mean...they KNOW what is going to happen and how it may feel...and just the idea alone is going to turn them away...probably wishing they didn't have to give up the benifits of being circumcised for the fear and pain they don't want to experience...and who can blame them?! I guess what I am trying to say is I'm glad I made the choice for Michael...but it sucks to have to carry the weight of that choice...I bet in two weeks I'll feel differently...but as this only happened this afternoon I'm still a bit shaken...Michael is snoring and high as a kite so he was obviously scarred for life...I'm going to go mix myself a drink...dang all these parental choices and responsibility...sometimes I just don't wanna.

Feb 18, 2008
Mom of two under two
Current mood:blessed
Heaven help us...we crazy's that manage to have two kids before the first one is two...I have to say I am ashamed at how I act around them some days...some days they would be the better parent and I the better child...when both are screaming and I am making no progress in calming them or even quieting them I tend to lose it...the words shut up...etc get used and then I just feel like crappy crap...I don't want to yell at my kids or tell them to shut up...or use the words damn or hell...or sometimes (rarely these days) worse...this is a time in my life when I realize just how fragile I am and how much farther I need to grow as a person...and how amazingly selfish we are...we who make up humanity....yes all of us...we really are out for ourselves even if it is only to go to the bathroom alone or to get a shower once ever four days...ah me. Jason is deploying again in 8 days and I am left thinking how in thee hell am I going to make it?! His mother Doreen will be here for most of the time so that will help a lot...but Jason makes up about the very best part of me...I think way down deep I've got a few good qualities even without him...but really...before I met him I was only a shell of a person...I have no better friend...no better anything...so he will be greatly missed for the three months he is away (maybe longer)...
Michael finally let it rip today...he's been storing up his poop for two days (making us all miserable with the crying over gas)but finally let it all go this evening...I think Jason was pretty proud of his feat...poop all over...I mean it...like he got a bath as I couldn't get it all off with wipes..as in the outfit he had on is more poop than outfit...after all that effort he conked out and is fast asleep...yay...hence my ability to write...Lil is in bed too so again that is why I can write.
I was thinking tonight as I rocked Lily to sleep how funny it would be to see adults doing the things that kids do...some of them do and end up being treated as a bit off but really...like Lily likes to go to sleep with her fingers in my mouth...not very nice for me but she finds security in that...I can just see her as a grown woman...."Oh lawrence, I just love falling asleep in your arms...my fingers in your mouth...you make me feel so safe"....or as toddlers who dress themselves in something crazy...as adults going to work in like red galloshes and a yellow cape with a hula skirt...sitting in a meeting and taking a serious role with the customers..."hey Ralph nice swim fins...they go so nicely with your cabby hat"...."thanks Clarence, I've been meaning to tell you that the green inner tube and pink boa really worked for you on tuesday"....so, at least in my head it's funny...maybe it's funnier to me cause I have no fashion sense anyway...but whatever.
IKEA rocks.
So I've composed a song:
To the tune of twinkle twinkle little star
entitled A mothers song

Shut up shut up both my kids
afore I go and blow my lid
hush now shush now little mice
I could use a drink on ice
as you sleep loves I will clean
an ordered house someday I dream

okay...so...all you out there with one kid or no kid hush up...your life could be a lot less your own and a lot louder...those of you with more than two God bless you cause I sure don't have what it takes...for all of you...before I had kids I was so underdeveloped...my kids are wonderful and I wouldn't trade them on the worst day...they have made me and Jason into far more interesting people and one day I will look back and actually wish to calm a screamking baby....by then it will be my grandchild.

x5

2011-09-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

Oct 20th, 2007
wham bam thank you maam
Current mood:grateful
Sometimes I have brilliant ideas...sometimes not so much...yesterday was a not so much day...my parents had some stuff to donate to Goodwill so I thought I would go drop it off and then look for Halloween costume ideas...so my dad and Lily and I all pile into my car and hit Goodwill...I didn't stay long as the store was small and a mess...I thought about going to the Dollar store and then decided to get home as it was about 4pm and dinner needed getting on...had I gone to the Dollar store I probably would have exited a different way...but no...I left the same way I came in...or rather tried to leave...I was stopped at the parking lot stop sign waiting for traffic to clear so I could pull out onto the street to make my way home...when everything went into slow-mo...a car turning left into the parking lot I was trying to exit suddenly went flying into the air...and came crashing into us smashing in the drivers side passenger door of my car and spinning out of control...then the car that caused the whole mess came crashing down ontop of the front bumper of my car smashing us into the curb and finally stopping ontop of the stop sign I was so dutifully stopped at...I am thankful that my foot was firmly on the brake and I had the presence of mind to turn the car off quickly...really it has taken me this long to get it right about what really happened cause at the time I couldn't figure out where all the cars came from...it wasn't cloudy so I knew they hadn't rained onto us...so strange the pictures in slow-mo and how your brain reacts...I heard my dad say "I can't get out" and the baby was screaming so I jumped out of the car and had to run all the way around to the passenger side to get her out...later my dad asked if I remembered him saying that and I said yes...turns out in the action he had forgotten my doors stay locked when the car is on and as soon as I turned it off he was able to exit just fine...the door behind me though is done...really done...like 8 inches of smashed in done...like no window and the biggest piece intact being the part that says something about child safety locks...but even that is not part of the car anymore...anyway...I am shaking so bad out of fear for my baby that it takes what feels like forever to get her out of the car...as soon as I pull her out she stops crying...she was just freaked out (understandably) and covered, absolutly covered in glass...I took all her clothes off and brushed off all the glass I could see then changed her diaper and found some glass in there...yet she still ended up getting one small cut on her arm...other than that she's okay...we had to buy a new car seat that had better get reimbursed by the lady that hit us...well, at least her insurance...apparently she was going 45 to 50 talking on her cell phone and not even in a lane...she was in the break down lane thingy that you aren't supposed to drive in and she didn't see the person turning into the parking lot...she and her other victim were both in SUV's and at the rate of speed she was going, if she had hit us first instead of the other way around we wouldn't be here...our little car barely held together even with as much of the energy absorbed by the other car as there was...if Lily hadn't been in the middle...if she had been in the drivers side back seat I know she would have been seriously hurt...there was just too much glass and the impact would have hit her car seat directly...praise God He knows what He is doing even if we don't understand why...I got a cut on my knee from falling glass and we both went to the base hospital to get checked out...they monitered baby Guth for four hours and finally at 2am released us...so far it seems like both babies (Lily and Guth) are okay...and I just hurt like hell in my neck and back...not to mention the killer headache...tell you what though...I have never felt fear like I did for my kids yesterday...I couldn't have cared less about me...I was terrified that my kids were hurt...I never knew being a mother would affect me like this...I am thankful to say that even though I am a selfish bastress sometimes, that when it comes to my kids being okay I am in third place...my dad seems okay...he didn't get checked out at a hospital but is feeling some back pain and we are all out of sorts...our car is mashed...undrivable...had to be towed...now I have no way to get home to my husband...I am really hoping that when the insurance guy calls me on monday he will tell me that a rental car is covered...I want my man! The topper for me on the "funny" side is that the lady responsible had Texas license plates...and if you read my blog you already know how I feel about that...and had a handicap thingy on her rearview mirror...not that it had to be hers...but since I don't know...she is really lucky she didn't kill anyone...she and her other victim were taken to the hospital buy ambulance...the other victim had a broken nose at least...there was a lot of blood so I don't know if that was all or not...the driver responsible seemed fine to me...she wasn't bleeding but just sat on the curb bawling...I don't blame her...if I didn't have to be in mom made I would have cried too...I want to just to relieve the stress but can't seem to let go enough to get it out...I still have a hard time believing it happened at all...I keep thinking if I look out in the driveway my car will be sitting there...and as stupid as it sounds I am so dissappointed that I don't get to give Jason the suprise I had for him...While he was deployed I detalied the inside and got cool manly new car seat covers (scorpions...he's in the scorpion squadron) and a new steering wheel cover...now he may never see them at all and if he does it won't be in our cute red car...cause it's not so cute anymore...it's more like a crushed cherry tomato than cute...I should stop now...Lily just woke up...but I had to get out my thoughts so I could mentally rest...I love you all and it's good to be alive.

Dec 29, 2007
the second birth is not easier!
Current mood:sore
Whoever said the second time around was easier is full of crap! Yes I knew better what to expect but Lily's birth was so ideal that it kinda set me up for disaster! She came a week and a day before her due date...I had had no contractions before the day I had her so never did I think inncorrectly that I was in labor...and when I got to the pushing stage I felt more in control and calm...this time Michael was three days past his due date...felt like he was going to fall right out of me most of the pregnancy...gave me three months of contractions and three weeks of thinking I was actually in labor only to have it pitter out...finally had to have my water broken as I was dialated to six and 80 percent effaced but not having consistant contractions...just days of random ones and I was runnning out of time to have him at the birth center...plus as an added fun bonus I tested positive for GBS this time around so I had to be on an IV of antibiotics as a precaution to try and make sure he didn't get sick...GBS is group B strep and most people carry it...the only time it's an issue is in child birth so there's a fun fact for ya...oh and they don't know what causes it or how it's contracted...so they break my water and that was weird but not violating or anything like I thought it might be and then I finally go into labor...but it was so different from the first time that I kept thinking it was all wrong...I didn't want to get into the tub too early and miss out on the ubber effectivness of the warm water on the tough contractions...but I finally did at 5pm...last time I knew when I was in transition...this time I figured it out when I involinarily started groaning like an animal...and then boom I was pushing and yelling and there was my baby...super fast...Jason said I pushed like 5 times...I guess with Michael you have to light a fire under his butt but then he figures it out and gets motivated...he had been sitting so low for so long (weeks of contractions anyone?) that he still has quite the cone head...but it's starting to mellow out...the frustrating part was that I felt bad for yelling...as I already said last time when I got to push I felt in control...this time it was like when you're working really hard and really fast and later realize you were grunting and panting etc...yeah...except I was growling and yelping...loudly too...I'm glad I was the only one having a baby that day or I may have scared someone else...so, there's that...Michael is great...Lily is jealous...we are all working it out and learning how to be a family of four...for the record...although it's awesome to see that you lost 20 lbs in one days work...I don't recomend pregnancy as a good diet plan...I weigh now what I did at the end of Lily's pregnancy...so it's kinda like I've been pregnant twice and not lost a pound...ah the sacrifices we make for our kids...I wouldn't change a thing.

more oldx4

2011-09-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

March 21, 2007
So it's been "one of those days"...when the baby gets you up at 4am and then you finally get to sleep and the phone rings at five and then the alarm goes off at 6 and then the cat claws you awake at 7...then you get dressed in something better than sweats and you leak through your shirt in less than a minute...then you take the dog for a walk and the gate you go through is broken so you have to go all the way around...then you finally go out for breakfast because you're not getting to do it at home and your pastery is as hard as a rock and stale as your sense of humor...so you come home and decide to go to the mall but then the baby falls asleep so not wanting to wake her you stay home...then you miscommunicate with your husband and end up fighting...finally get some dinner and the baby freaks out for no reason...you get the baby calm and finish eating....get her to bed and some random peppy girls start going door to door at a quarter to nine at night taking some survey in high pitched voices...jason and I look at each other and each turn off a light...so we are sitting at home in the dark...pretending to not be home...because if these girls wake my baby I will have to erase them from the face of the earth...and they don't want that to happen...there have been three good things that have happened today...Amanda called, Kenny texted and Jason got to spend the evening at home...send the cheerleading survey girls away lest I become angry and squash them with my mama thighs...margaritas are good...peppy girls...bad...I need more margaritas.

April 24, 2007
So...April Fools to us I guess...because no joke...no kidding....we're pregnant again...and we got that way on April 1st...I can hear the cosmos laughing...and I almost think it's funny too...except that when this baby is born LilyAnna will only be 13 months old...to the day almost...at least this explains why I gained 5 pounds while on vacation...I'm sure some of it was just fat...but at least a portion is baby...and for the record we had better be getting a boy this time...my poor husband needs some kind of a break in all of this...so I guess the moral of this sad story is : you never think you're as fertile as you really are...and just once without protection is all it takes...so be advised ladies and gents....and be for-warned...I am looking forward to meeting the little stinker...but not sure how I'll handle being prego and moving...being prego and running after a toddler...being prego and moving again...having two under a year and a half...not to mention Jason will be deployed for three months during my pregnancy...but that's better than missing the birth...or Lil's birthday!
Oh my head! What have we done?

June 5, 2007
So a lot has happened in the last bit...I got stranded in Phoenix and then got the flue/craps...found out a friend of ours has only a few more months to live/cancer...discovered squash gives our baby a natural giggle fest...taped said giggle fest and may be viewed on Jason's myspace...realized I have our whole house to pack and no energy in less than a month...Lily started trying to crawl...this is quite funny to watch...but she gets made if we laugh too loud at her attempts...there is just something funny about a baby wiggling her butt in the air and thinking that will make her go forward...discovered there is no need to spend money on baby toys as ours preffers tages on pillows, yogurt lids (esp. red ones), ripped out magazine pages...lalala to any real toys we have for her...also discovered camping with a five month old can be done!

June 8, 2007
When I was around 17 I was a counselor at kids camp...laying on the dock during some free time I was pooped on by a bird and all the boys called me Target for the rest of camp...I thought this was mildy embarassing...but mostly amusing...till while I was pregnant in Texas I got pooped on again (read Burns, Butt stains, and Bird Poop blog)...I wasn't happy about this...but still didn't think too much of it...till two nights ago when I was outside BBQing with Jason and he noticed that I had gotten hit once again...only this time directly on the head...in my freshly washed hair! At this point I have to agree with the boys...my name should be Target...but I have to admit...if ever I find these badly behaved birds I will direct my cat at them and she doesn't take kindly to foul.

more oldx3

2011-09-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

Jan 17, 2007
Lifes wonders and exploding pants
Current mood:amused
LilyAnna Quinn...what a girl...perfect one moment and poopie the next...I'm so glad I love bathroom talk because this girl is a pooping wonder...in one day she crapped out of five outfits...and babies have this wonder poop that doesn't come out of clothes...it's mustard yellow (and suprisingly unsmelly)...you just better hope you cloth your child in butter yellow outfits or you'll be spending a lot of time unstaining those cute little onsies.
Now as far as gas goes this little princess can out belch and out fart her mother and keeps up with her father...although she does both a lot more often then either of us...dang...you can be across the room and PHIBBBITTT!!!! the carpet is shaking and the animals run and hide...ugh! Yet another diaper to change...or better yet...fresh out of the tub and still wrapped in her towel...why oh why...oh how I love my pooping wonder...oh how I can't wait to have something else to love about her!
Pretty sure our child took lessons from our cat while she was still in the whomb...she makes this fake cry that sounds like the cat yowling and she peers out with one eye while sleeping or trying to be sneaky...cracks me up...she'll emit a WAH! Just a single one in catoneeze and throw her head back with one eye popped open and her gummy mouth thrown wide...then she'll look back at you to see if you got her message...mostly I think she just wants our attention...little drama queen....don't know where she got that.
In other news...I can't seem to get anything much done around the house...and it's a small one, totally managable by one person...so far I keep on top of the dishes, laundry and food but I am lacking in the vacuuming, dusting, bed making, bathroom cleaning, floor moping...and other what nots...so if youve done something nice for us and would normally recieve a Thank you from us and have yet to...well, it's on the list of to do's...it just hasn't been tuh done.
okay...well....I should go....I've obviously got a few things to accomplish that don't include talking about poopsie.

Feb 26, 2007
I've always known I'm a geek...I'm comfotable with my geeky-ness...I sometimes try and tone it down for others and I have occasionally fooled people into thinking I'm hip...but now...my cover is forever blown...little miss LilyAnna knows how to pull the geek out of a person...I've not ever once in public made noises to go with every movement...or made up so many words that already have their own proper word (for example fingers have turned into fenders)...or cared about the color pink...until now...I have even found myself adoring the color pink...I used to loath it...I would ask what was wrong with me...but I already know...I am forever and totally lost on my child...I mean gone...there is no cure for the LilyAnna fever...this child stole my heart and won't give it back...I am so stoked for the tea parties and shopping trips and facials...but I'm cool with hanging out till the poor thing stops drooling on herself too...all in good time my pretty...all in good time...I almost hope she thinks I'm a geek...you know...that my geeky-ness isn't lost on her...not only will she be way cooler than me...she will know that there is life after you realize you're forever a nerd...I love that I get to teach her this ( and keep her from making the same disasterous hair choices I made...green anyone?!)...sometimes I'll be doing something and not giving her my full attention...and when look back at her she's got this smile on her face like...yup, I've got you figured but I really like you anyway and I know that you made up that lame song just for me.
I never realized how plain I was till I had a baby...I feel so much more interesting now...like I went from lame to cool or blah to wow...for one thing I have something other than me to talk about...that has to be nice for you all that read this shlock...that and I've started to realize how much I am capable of...who knew you could apply mascara and hold a baby at the same time...ohhh here's a good one...hold a baby and use a public bathroom without sitting on the seat...ever tried to drop yer drawers one handed while holding 12 plus pounds that squirms in the other hand?! Gracious! But I now know can...so...therefore...well, I couldn't or at least didn;t know I could before so now I know I can and I think that's cool and I'm totally lost in the point I was going for. Okay...baby's crying so go now.

March 6, 2007
In a previous blog...I think it's the Price is Right blog I added a portion at the end about how baby Guth would get a gold star if she was born in less than four hours after labor started...little did I know she would take me seriously! I've been thinking a lot about my labor and delivery and how awesome it was and how drugged up I was with my natural bodily hormones...I woke up at 6am with contractions and figured they were just more Braxton Hicks...as I was only 38 weeks and 6 days prego...so I went to lunch and then walked the mall...got home about 2:30pm and called Jason cause by then I knew I was in labor...at 3:00pm my water broke so we drove to the birth center...at 5:45pm LilyAnna Quinn Guthner was here sticking her bottom lip out and being the drama queen a girl like me that marries a guy like Jason is bound to have. So...I had just four hours of what's called active labor and not even twelve hours of labor all together! That is crazy! I mean at the time I was really glad to be done...but I wouldn't mind taking it a bit slower next time because everything was so intense...some extra time to stretch and labor might just be nice...and I wouldn't have needed stitches if I had been able to go a bit slower...so little miss Lily...you get a gold star anyway...and based on the feeling on my legs...she's gonna repay me by pooping out of her diaper...tata...the pooping wonder has stuck again!

old blog posted here

2011-09-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

April 17th 2006
So, Stephanie HAD to bring up the time I fell through a sliding glass door- butt first while on the job...Steph, Phanie, I can't believe you brought this up...I had finally gotten rid of that memory and you had to go and drudge it up again...honestly, I think it's one of the funniest moments of my life...even if it is highly humiliating...so I'm going to retype it for the whole friggin world to see! Ha! Take that Oprah!
It was 2001...summer and I was working accommidations or A-com as we referred to it in Cannon Beach Oregon...the task of the day was maid service...in other words slave labor...I was making beds in a room that should have only held one queen size...yet had two crammed in...one of which was no more than 8-10 inches from a wall of glass and a sliding glass door...I was foolishly complying with the dress code and had long pants on...that got caught on the corner of the bed frame...causing me to lose my balance and go crashing through the slider ass first...amazingly the only thing I hurt was my pride mostly due to the fact that my bed making partner had fallen to the floor in laughter instead of seeing if I was dead...I had to re-live this moment all summer, fall, winter....in fact for the next 4 years until I moved into Washington....cause if I would go to the Conference Center to visit, at least one person would bring that momentous day to light...what I find funny though, is that while I was called Caboose for several weeks...we've called Steph PHANIE for four years....so who really got the back end of that joke?! HA! Love you girl...and just think what kind of damage my preggo huge butt could do to a glass door...heck, knowing me a metal door may be in danger...I'll keep you informed of any back-yard disasters.

May 23, 2006
Burns, butt stains, and bird poop
Current mood:cynical
So, I'm going along minding my own buisness this Saturday and life throws me a crap slap...Jason and I had guests so, as I was finally not feeling vomitus we made them a lovely breakfast...as I took it from the oven I realized that the tender flesh of my forarm was being consumed by the raging heat of hades...yet I can't do a thing about it because the pan is super heavy and I'm only using one pot holder...so I stuggle with the dumb thing till I've finally got it onto the stove only to have given myself a thrid degree burn about the size of a quarter. Soon after breafast we decide to go into town for a few things...as we return to our apt Jason points out that I have been walking through town with a large brown stain on the back of my shorts that looks like I've been driving in a chevy while my pants were feeling heavy-Diarrhea...(no I did not Shat myself...but it looked like I had) no sooner had I changed my shorts and taken the dog out for a leak when...I pause under the shade of a tree and a bird poops on me...at this point I am cursing all things TX and Jason is laughing his head off...he was kind enough to take the dog for the rest of her walk while I tried to hurry home before it dried on me...but it was 107 degrees that day and there was no such luck...sometimes my life could be an unfortunate comedy...but I never get paid for these moments. Ah well...I hope someone can enjoy my drama.

Aug 23, 2006
So I cought myself flapping my arms down the hall today...I really had to go to the bathroom and I was trying to walk faster...it felt like my belly was already in the bathroom and the rest of me needed to catch up...somehow flapping my arms in a propeller type motion was supposed to help...I don't know...but at least I cought myself...then I had a good laugh at how funny that must have looked...pregnant girl waddling and fast as she can waddle with the added arm flapping and look of grim determination on her face...oh and that's the other thing...I keep catching myself waddling...it's like the only way I walk now and it feels very strange...I'm sure this is "normal" when youre prego but I'm not going to endorse it into conciouse practice...whereas I have to make a new effort whenever I open the door to the fridge to not ram it into my belly...you spend your whole life standing the same distance away from the fridge door then one day whammy...youre pregnant and hitting yourself with doors...every time....you would think I would learn but I still forget sometimes that I'm pregnant and then I see myself in the mirror and I'm like whoa time for a diet...oh yeah...baby...heh...ummm...by the way...now that I'm pregnant my brain is vapor...I do the dumbest stuff...the other day I found the oatmeal tub in the freezer and the rest of my PB&J...I don't know why they ended up there...but that is apparently the only place I stick things anymore...also I have to triple check my cooking cause I tend to read things way wrong now too...like 3 TBS instead of 3 cups...no good...maybe I'm not pregnant...maybe I'm just stupid and I can't cook so I've got serious indigestion and bloating...okay, so no....but it COULD happen....maybe.
Oh little Javier...you give me gas.

I guess today I can't get enough

2011-07-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

So, my house is trashed, I've not showered or dressed for two days, I'm feeling kinda blue. Obviously I would feel at least a little better if the aforementioned things were to get changed...but there are reasons things are as they are. The house is trashed because I can't keep up with my family...between crazy schedules for work and play time etc I am simply not able to keep up...and the last few days have seen several toy "explosions" that I just didn't have the Umph to take care of...so things are really looking nuts at the moment. I haven't dressed because I've needed a shower...and I haven't showered because unless I do it when the kids are sleeping I don't get to (because I can't trust them to behave and not kill each other while I am gone for 15 minutes). I haven't done it the last 2 nights because of the "extra curricular activities" of my daughter, and since I am the only one home at night I don't feel comfortable leaving her to do as she will while I shower...in fact I'm starting to worry about sleeping...since she never does and I actually do, I worry about what she will be into while I am unconscious. I feel blue because it feels like I am trapped and drowning in my own reality and there is very little I can do to change things...also, I am jealous. I'm jealous that everyone else I know seems to have easy, compliant children, or the parents just don't give a crap how the kids behave so they don't have anything to stress over. I'm jealous that my husband gets to meet people at work, gets to interact with adults when he volunteers, gets to get out of this house daily and without the kids. I'm jealous that he gets to go to FL and spend time with our friends and I don't get to go...we can't afford to send more than one (I encouraged him to go, I want him to go, I am still jealous). I'm frustrated with God that we don't have a different financial situation, that my Mom can't find a good job and move out on her own, that we have moved to a town that doesn't offer reasonable prices for food, gas, clothing and that options are so limited. I'm frustrated that I don't have the first clue how I can reasonably change any of this. Sure I can see what's up in the community, but I would have to haul my difficult, ill behaved children along...that nullifies any possible joy or fun we or I could possibly have...also gas is outrageous. I could get involved in a church...but I don't have any desire to surround myself with the trite, uber christians that come with any church...after that I'm not sure what's left. Basically I get to do the same thing I had to do in AZ...wait. It only took 2 years to make a friend...I was only mostly crazy by the time I did make that friend. If you live close to family, friends, or attainable social situations hug yourself...not everyone gets to have that blessing. Let's hope all this venting helps me let go and choose joy for what we've got...and I'm sure I've offered plenty of fodder for those who love to judge that which they think they understand...so everyone should be good now. Yay.

I feel like tearing out my eyes...

2011-07-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

Want a snap shot of the last 24 hours?! Want to know why I've got a "tude" (attitude for you oldies out there) most of the time...well here is a delightful gem. So, as all of FB knows I've been struggling with my kids and my husbands new schedule and our new town. Here's some det's (details for the crusties). For the last 4 1/2 years I've not had more than a few moments to myself...literally. My daughter is just one of those kids that never seems to stop or slow down and if it's not her it's the dog, my son, mother or husband. Really, I would love a few hours to sit and read in quiet, think uninterrupted thoughts and just generally be alone with no tasks pounding me square in my conscience...making me feel guilty for not DOING XYZ. You would think at night I would have a break, but that's not true either. Here's that snap shot I told you was coming. Jason is working nights this week...Kids go to bed at 7pm...I put the kids in bed, and made some dinner for me. Not 15 minutes later my daughter "needs to go potty"...so I monitor that situation because her track record for "going potty" is not good...usually it is an excuse to play in the sink. I get her back to bed and 45 min. later I get to go tell her that singing at the top of her lungs and marching across her bed is "Not happening, and not allowed". I finally give up on being left alone and take the laptop to my room to at least feel like I am relaxing while trying to relax. 9:30 I hear whispering in the living room...sure enough, my daughter is sneaking through the living room trying to make a play place on the floor (toys out, "bed" made, the whole bit)(I had the door to my room open and never heard anything till the whispers started...she's super sneaky)...I haul her back to her room and just as we pass the bathroom I notice the huge mess of soap and water all over the counter and in the sink. Now we've gone over the "no playing in the bathroom" rules about 1,000 times...she knows better and yet refuses to obey...I've tried everything to change this, but there is no change. So this time it's Mr. Fix It for the bathroom and the sneaking. I go back to my room hoping we are done for the night...10:20 my daughter comes busting in my room to tell me a bug is headed my way...back to bed we go...again as we pass the bathroom it has been trashed...Mr. Fix It is called upon and this time I tell her that as I have run out of ideas of ways to communicate the seriousness of our rules and her choice of breaking them that when Daddy comes home he will be coming in to give Mr. Fix It...finally she stays in bed and sleeps. This morning at 7 (as per usual) I go to the children and let them play a while in their room before breakfast. I am super tired and cranky as I had to talk to Jason about the discipline situation when he got home at 1am. The only "break" I had from the kids was while sleeping so I don't feel rested in spirit at all...and as I pass the bathroom I realize that last night I missed the bath towel that my daughter had squeezed liquid hand soap all over...all over...like wash it out in the sink before adding it to the washing machine lest it ruin it kind of all over. BAH! Parenting is not for wimps, not for the weak of heart, not for the lazy. We are consistent with discipline, we lay out rules clearly, we stick to a routine, we eat healthy food and do not watch TV of any kind...only dvd's that are child friendly...tell me what I am doing wrong...tell me what I can possible change...this child is more than I know how to handle. I want desperately to be able to enjoy her...but mostly I just feel tired and worn out when I think of her, much less interact with her. She is a constant being, always talking, needing, wanting...I give her my time, attention, meet her needs and tell her to go play with her brother when I just can't do more. We can't afford pre-school and she's too young for Kindergarten...she's too old for the regular play groups...so what choices do I have? I know about 3 people here, finances are super tight so I don't drive much as gas is absurd...everyone has great ideas...but they all cost money in some form or another. My only hope is that this is some kind of stage that she will eventually grow out of...that when she is older and more involved with other kids she won't be so needy all the time. In the length of time it has taken me to write this I've been interrupted twice to go and deal with her while she is supposed to be resting for nap time. I was foolish enough to think that by the time my children were this age I would have some semblance of a life...some freedom, time to myself. I honestly thought my kids would be obedient, listen when I spoke to them, care about the consequences. I have no idea where we went wrong, but clearly something is off. Now our son is a whole different ball of wax, he sleeps at night (shock) that break alone makes it a 1,000 times easier for me to deal with him all day long. He's also content to play alone a lot of the time. He's not usually very needy and he IS usually obedient. Sure he is a normal kid and breaks the rules and has naughty behavior just like any other kid his age...but even with all that he's worlds easier that my daughter to deal with. I do not think that she is "just naughty" or "bad"...but I do think there is something wrong and I have no clue what it is. A whole "other" topic would be the need for the kids to have their own rooms (as my son does sleep and my daughter doesn't you can see why that might be important)...but until my Mother moves out we can't do that...the waiting is horrible and then the guilt from feeling like this is horrible...how do I be a good daughter, wife AND mother in these situations? If we make it through all of this it will be a miracle...I guess it's good I believe in those.

STRESS with a capitol S

2011-01-06T13:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a me snapshot...I am an emotional/hormonal person...my logic (if there is any) is usually feelings based and I take on a lot of other peoples emotional responses. For instance if someone goes through a hard/hurtful time I hurt along side them. Because of this I seek control (let's be honest, I like control, but this plays a role too) in every situation or else I tend to be all over the place within myself and that's never pretty. I struggle (much less now than in the past) with anxiety and depression and fear...these all tend to beget anger in me, and since that's my #1 enemy, and the biggest part of me that I try to change on a daily basis I tend to go for control (or the throat...if you will). Now here's a snapshot of my life: I'm a military wife, we move a lot, I have no control over when or where we move, or when or where my husband will deploy next. My Mom lives with us because my Dad hurt her and she has no where else to go (they are now divorced). My Mom is physically unable to have a job right now due to some health issues that should be clearing up soon, but who knows. This means one income goes for 5 people...we make about 2,200.00 a month...and we all eat Gluten Free...which costs a lot more than eating regular flour meals. All of these things are out of my hands, none of these things can I control...this all stresses me out. On top of these things are my two wonderful children...my daughter Lily is very intense...tenacious...she talks incessantly and is afraid of everything...most of my "Mom energy" goes to trying to keep her from freaking out about XYZ (the light in the bathroom, the noise she hears outside, Daddy going to work and when will he be home next...you name it and she's afraid of it). The rest of my energy goes to my son Michael who's spent the first 23 months of his life with an undiagnosed eye problem...he couldn't see so he cried...ALL THE TIME. Noise is one of my buttons, this is not a good combo! Crying child who is uninterested in normal childhood toys and games, won't read a book with me, won't eat, falls down all the time...once we got him glasses he started catching up. He stacked blocks, read books, ate food (a little better at least). Then we got his eyes aligned through surgery and things were even better...he was happier, cried less, he could run for the first time in his life, he was curious about things and how they work...but he still couldn't talk well. He's 3 years old and unless you're me you miss 9 out of 10 words he speaks...I get about 4...the other side of this is that he's not consistent in the way he struggles. Vowels may be an issue in one word and consonants the next. Sometimes he acts as if he can't hear you and I think it's because he can't make sense of the combo of words (his ears are just fine, he's been tested twice). For example, in speech therapy today his therapist asked Michael to hand me a marble...he gave it to her...she asked him again and pointed to me and he still gave it to her...then she asked him to say, "Go Marble!" and all he could say was, "GO!"...he usually can't pair words together when asked. I had no idea how stressed all of this struggling to understand my son had gotten me. I almost cried in the therapists office when she said she was amazed at how much I could understand from my son..and how unusual his patterns of speech and understanding are. She told me in 20 years of therapy he's the first of his kind that she has seen...daunting though. In all of this I am going to choose joy. I am choosing to be thrilled that Michael isn't "broken" or "stupid" or just "stubborn"...but rather has a real issue that can be helped and hopefully solved by the right professional. I am choosing to be grateful that our insurance will cover 2 dozen sessions!!!! I am choosing to not look at our bank account and stress, but rather be grateful we only owe money on our van and can pay our bills every month even if it does mean no eating out, no frills, no extras. I'm going to choose to not be angry that all of this has "happened" to our family...instead I'm just going to try and survive it and gain some understanding along the way. Mostly I am just venting...because I feel overwhelmed emotionally...in less than 2 hours today I went from super stressed out Mom to having an "Ah-ha!" moment with Mike...and who knew that his other biggest issue (not eating) was totally connected to his speech issues?! I was really blown away...we spent equal time talking about food and Michael as we talked about speech and Michael. There is hope now that meals won't be a battle forever...that someday (maybe even soon) we will understand 50% of what he says (rather than 2%) because he has a lot of things to say. I can't wait for him to be less frustrated because no one understands him...I want him to succeed and thrive, not scrape by. I just thought of one more reason I'm stressed...Mike has another surgery in 5 days for his man bits. He's got a concealed penis and has to have it surgically corrected or there could be all kinds of issues in the near future. This kiddo has gone through SO much in 1 year, glasses, eye surgery, Gluten Free diet, Daddy deployed for the 4th time in 3 years, speech therapy, Gramma moving in, having to go to Las Vegas 9 times in 3-4 months for Grammas surgeries, man bit surgery coming up....I feel like folks look at my son like he's not mentally all there...but I know better. He's had to go through a lot and you can't always understand him, but he's brilliant inside that head...and he's funny...I can't wait to get to know him better...I can't wait to be finished with the stress of surgeries, therapies, moving, you name it. I need some grace God and some peace would be nice too...I'll also accept wine.

I have a killer caboose

2010-11-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a trend...my butt is dangerous...and not just for the things that it emits from time to time...more than once I've broken things...not just little things, not chairs or benches...but sliding glass doors and shower curtains...it's only a matter of time before it tries to take over the world.

Been a loooooong time

2010-11-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Here's to change...change can be good right?! Sometimes I even think change can be wonderful...mostly I think it sneaks up and bites a girl in the ass...but hey, I'm jaded. I've been told I see things as "half empty" and to that I reply...well, life has thrown enough poo in my face to keep me from getting my hopes up over things I can't control. I have a small space in my head for hope...it resides there till something happens to prove that the space needs to be enlarged...until I've got something solid to go on I let it simmer and marinate and, well, hope that I have something to be hopeful about. That way if it turns out that the glass really is half full...of PEE! Then I haven't given myself over to loads of emotional drama...yay! And I remain "mostly" intact...I know this is horrible and I should "have more faith" or "take risks" etc...but I do my thing and you do yours and for me, for now, it works just fine.
In other news...I like blogging...I had forgotten how nice it is to just BLURG ( not to be confused with BLURT)it all out and not care who may or may not be reading...who may or may not be offended...this is MY blog and I can say what I please...no one has to read it...it doesn't pop up in your page unless you click on it...yay!
In other, other news...I may have been partially responsible for the death of a pigeon today. I don't even really like pigeons...but they come to my house and eat the bird seed I leave out...so I just pretend they are my urban chickens and try to think happier nature thoughts without grumbling about the fact that Tucson blows and has WAY less wild life than Oregon. Anyway, I wish them no ill so I was a little more than sad to find that a Hawk has figured out that pigeons are always in my yard and chose to EAT ONE IN FRONT OF MY PLACE TODAY! Thankfully I forgot about this as the day progressed...that is until I took my kids out front to ride trikes...and the Hawk swooped down and DROPPED THE BLOODY CARCASS ON MY DRIVEWAY! You could have made a comedic horro skit out of it...literally I am INCHES away from this thing and out of the clear blue sky a dead, headless carcass falls infront of my face and onto the pavement. It took me a moment to figure out what it was as all the feathers were gone...head...guts...most of the wings...it looked pretty gastly...it's now in my trash can...I can hear the WIld America theme song in my head right now...I can see the bearded host...wow, the 80's show up when you least expect them.
Gah! There are so many things I want to type about right now...but I think I need to give it more time...a lot of...Poo...will be rolling soon and I need to collect my thoughts before I dive into all of that. Sooooo, nighty night all...Goonies forever!

been a long time

2006-10-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've kinda dropped the ball with this for a while...but in some ways that's a good thing...I usually only blog here when I'm mad about something...baby Guth is due in 9 weeks and everything is good so far! We are just trying to come up with some names for her. This names thing is hard cause they have to live with it forever and I don't want to scar her for life...ahhh.

the blame game

2006-05-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

So I have been waiting for over a month for someone to call me and tell me when my OBGYN appt would be and where...I've called the clinic on base three times to check on the status of this appt and never got a call back until today...when a not so happy to take 30 friggin seconds out of her day clinic personell calls me back to tell me that I am essentially stupid and she loathes my existance...here is basically what happened...I went in for a test one month and three days ago...at that time I was told I was pregnant and asked a bunch of questions as to how educated I wanted to be and what classes I wanted to be involved in...I was told that I would be contacted by those classes and personell and scheduled for appt's at that time...at this point I thought I ought to mention that we would be moving in one month...this is when it all fell apart...the lady that later called me back and treated me like crap got side tracked on the moving thing and how strange a situation that was for scheduling (Yeah right...moving in the military is a huge part of BEING in the military so there is no way this was a first in the history of non normal circumstances in pregnancy the clinic have ever seen) and then never told me another thing other than conrgats...I left thinking I understood everything she had said...also with the beliefe that I would be getting a call for an obgyn appt...this never happened so I called several times to see what was up and that is when all this happened today...my thoughts are these: This is a first pregnancy for me and I wasn't really expecting it to be a positive test result so I was taken by suprise and trying to process this huge change...I may not have heard everything that I was told properly in the 5 minutes they take to tell you one million things...secondly, a simple print out of what steps I need to take and what steps are taken for me would be a no brainer to save a lot of these problems from happening to others...even a hand written note at the end of the full piece of paper they give you for the one sentence test result would have been better than nothing...also, when getting three calls from a client not only should each of them be returned in a timely manner, but with a little less rudeness and put-out-ness at actually having to answer a simple question from an unsure pregnant woman...I do not think I am asking too much or being ridiculous...I may be hormonal and pregnant but I am not stupid or careless in the health of my unborn child and I would appreciate being informed of important information properly and in a timely manner. I think at this point a well written comment/suggestion for the clinic will be in order...the thing that bothers me the most in all of this is the time it took to get the rude answer I tried to ask three times...at this point I will be very lucky to get an appt before we move to AZ...I feel emotionally bruised and medically ripped off after all of this. It should not be so difficult to get the answers, this in fact should have been something the receptionist could answer since the only thing that needed to be said was come to the cliic and go to the referral office for the numbers you need to call...not rocket science.
Okay, so enough about that....I'm mad enough I could go on for a while so I am cutting it short and saying Happy Mothers Day to all you women out there who know what it is to be mom.

I think I only blog when...

2006-05-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not too happy with life...and have nothing nice to say...so for a change...look up MAGNOLIAPEARL.COM she is at least one nice thing in TX...amazing color and texture artist with a kick ass shed for a house...practically...I saw an article in a mag. about her when we all came to TX for Jason's graduation from Basic...but it was a generic women's mag. so it never occured to me that she might be from TX...or at least residing in TX...although why I don't know...any who...I just had a wonderful thought as to how to employ myself when I get to AZ and I am preggo...and I think it just might work...but we shall see...I'll keep myself informed of any new changes and may even blog about them if I think I'll have a few barf free moments to type...you know you don't feel good when you've read three large books in one day and not really moved other than that.

Babies and texas

2006-04-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

So, I thought I might get away without the whole morning sickness thing...I was sorta right...I'm not sick only in the morning...but all day...for two weeks now...and it's getting old and I don't like that I get nothing done. The worst is making yourself eat when you feel like throwing up...because if you don't you won't eat at all cause you ALWAYS feel like throwing up...awful...so far, I don't like pregnancy at all. So much have I been feeling ill that I have often thought about calling the whole thing off...I'm not into abortion, so I don't know how it would work...but I don't know how long I can do this...what's really annoying is that the clinic hasn't called with an OBGYN apt yet...that would at least set my mind at ease...knowing that at some point a professional would be able to answer some questions...and I feel like I am letting Jason down...like I am hurting him by not doing anything...I feel fake even, I know how I feel and its not good...but when there is nothing wrong with you...your not throwing up....you look okay, I think it's hard for him to believe that I really feel this bad...I would be happy to trade if it were an option. I really need this to pass soon...I feel like I am at my end for this...like I can't continue on this same path feeling like this...desperate I guess. I'm sure a lot of it is nerves, not knowing what's all that normal or what I should do to fix things...I'm sure it's because I'm out in the middle of nowhere with no family or friends within driving distance...unless I'm up for a two day drive...and I don't feel like I should be driving at all right now...I feel so alone in this, Jason has school and friends from that and he feels fine...but I'm pregnant, in God forsaken TX alone all day feeling like death and there is no one to even talk to...I never thought about it till a few days ago, but there isn't going to be a shower for this little one...who would come? We are days away from family and friends...and to make good friends in such a short time as we will be in AZ before the baby is born would be a miracle that I am not holding out for...it takes time for people to want to invest in one another and I guess I don't have enough faith to believe that we will be able to make a few good friends in a few short months in a state we've never been to before. And I am really sick of moving...since we have been married we have moved together and individually six times...in less than two years...I am really wondering how we are going to pull off another in the next few weeks if I feel like this...even if we have a company do it for us I don't have what it takes to properly watch or direct them...and weve been talking about moving ourselves this next time because the movers broke and "lost" so much of our stuff last time...I know I am venting and that I'm not going to do anything rash...can't life ever let up?! Does it ever get good? Do things ever work out without something huge going wrong first? I don't want the pay off to be death, and a heaven I've never seen....I am not interested in living for something I havent been able to approve of yet...I know youre not supposed to hate heaven, but I'm sure it's possible for someone to and I bet ten bucks it would be me...I'll get posted on harp duty or some such nonsense and have to wear the dorky white costume and if I am really lucky it will have a big black bow to match the earthly one I had to wear at See's Candies...I am doomed to feel like crap and be the group geek for all eternity. I feel like a female Charlie Brown...but I don't get my own theme music...lame.
So, now on to the TX part of this blog: For some unknown reason they tend to drive half way on the shoulder of the road and half way on the "regular" part of the road....this is not because they want you to pass or because they plan to turn...this is just how they drive here. Instead of yielding on an on-ramp they come to a complete stop...so when you first get here you nearly rearend them everytime you get onto the freeway...they sell about 80 different kinds of chilie in the grocery stores, and in fact use beans for 90% of their cooking...if there is a bean, they know how to mess with it. It is also the only state where they could market anything armadillo...from purses to wine holders and bobble heads these little scaley guys are everywhere...I don't get it...we haven't even seen one yet.
Well, I think I've complained enough for one day...maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow.

Momeee

2006-04-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

So, Dan Brown...thank you, I am doing much better...and in fact I just found out I am to be a mother in around 8-9 months...SCARY...I am sure to mess this child up...but then again it already has my genes so it's already messed...ha! Well, look out world cause this one is sure to be famous!

down

2006-04-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

today blew...I just could't pull myself up out of the darkness...I made bad choices, didn't do my "chores", and waisted a lot of time...I haven't been like this in months and I hope tomorrow dawns bright...I don't survive well in the dreary gloom. I shouldn't complain, I live in a wealthy country, have a home and a wonderful husband/family...but sometimes...well, it's me that I don't always like and that is a hard thing to change or ask for differently... I've made a lot of progress in my recient life choices...but as today pointed out, not quite enough.
I'm gonna go read someone else's blog so I can look at someone else's "miserable" day.

Proper traveling etiquett

2006-04-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

I probably have some of the worst spelling, but read me out...as I was traveling to Spokane for my Grandmothers funeral I learned a few valuable things about traveling...and how not to do it...

My story begins with Jason and I living in San Angelo TX for a few months while he finishes Tech school for the Airforce...this is a SMALL town and has but one airline that flies out of it's airport...more like roadside shed with crop duster...so not only do I have to transfer flights three times each way, these are the only flights available and if I miss one I am spending more time than I planned at the airport...so, the first flight is a 25 seater puddle jumper that takes me to Dallas...this was a full flight, full of screaming babies and turbulence...our next flight was the real winner though...from dallas to seattle...somehow they make this take four hours...but it's on a big plane...I had a window seat...but the last row....so there was no window...I get to be right next to the bathroom...it's my head rest....my seat doesn't recline and my seat neighbor looks like she's about 16...the only reason I am not sure about this is that she had a tatoo....but she looked and acted like 16 and she was traveling with her entire family....they were across the isle...mom, little brother, dad...other than the fact that as mom and daughter deplaned for coffee before our flight left for Seattle I thought to myself that little girl is dressed like a hoochy and mom is allowing it...and she had no idea what were proper movements in a mini skirt (like you probably shouldn't bend from the waist to fix your sandal and show the world your butt)...what I didn't know was she was going to be my seat mate...for four hours...well, I get on the plane, take in my seat....decide not to complain about it's crumminess and then wait for my seatmate to show up so I can start reading (you know you have to wait because as long as there is still someone to be seated youre going to get interupted and elbowed until they place their bottom on the cushion and buckle)...so we wait, and wait, and wait, and the little boy across the isle from me starts saying something about hoping mom and ana don't miss the flight....well, they didn't, but they did make us late for take off...so, here comes the blond hoochie mama at sixteen with krispy kreme and starsucks...oh, did I mention it was a whole box of Krispy Kreme?...and then for the next ten minutes she wrestles with the box, the drink, and the largest gold sparkly purse I have ever seen in my life...you could hid a small country in that thing...she finally gets settled and we take off...I try to start reading...but soon find her foot lodged into my side...apparently sitting cross legged in your seat won't give you vericose veins...but your seatmate may have a few broken ribs...so for three hours it's a mix of seat position changes, LOTS of eating (sandwich, chips, donuts, more chips, the drink, another drink from the big mama purse)being blinded by the sun hitting her sparkle purse every few minutes when she has to get something out, and listening to music on her comp WITHOUT earphones...I nearly lost my mind when the music and passing of comp across the isle with messages for mom like "Anistasia loves mom" and the fighting about stolen money from dads wallet ensued...but I had no idea I was in for this topper...this is the mother of all toppers too...I know at this point I sound like a whiner, she was young and maybe a bit foolish...more than likley no more self absorbed than I would be if I had been allowed it at that age...but I was on my way to a funeral, I had been up since 4am and it was now 4pm, I still had another flight to catch and hadn't had anything to eat since I got up at 4am, I was not feeling very generous with my understanding or turning of the cheek...so when this lovely creature started reading her lines to OKLAHOMA outloud and singing all her parts I had to excuse myself...not only do I not care for that show....but who does that? Also, I might add that she had the worst accent I've ever heard attempted at such things...that was my last hour...I now know her entire part in a musical...and that her theater director must be deaf...cause it was sounding more like cats than any character in Oklahoma!
So, dear travelers, remember next time you decide to make the whole flight late and then pester your seat mate for four hours that they may be on their way to a funeral...and may not mind making it a double.

Anastasia, wherever you are, I hope life teaches you to think of others, if only on occassion...your beauty will not always be available to save you...and in this case I didn't give a rats behind if you were Jessica Simpson....you were unpleasant to endure...never the less, I have now blogged and can now get over it and move on.

Stop the death!

2006-04-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

So, in the last 6 months I have lost my remaining Grandparents...my moms dad is still alive but I've not thought of him as a grandparent...a title of honor and respect in a long time...I hope God has mercy on him. Anyway, my Grandmother Mary Jane (how cool is that name?!) Just passed away in Feb...this death was only easier to process because we have been expecting it for 6 years...I miss her though...she was a woman to take note of and that was apparent at her funeral, the most amazing testimony to the life of a mere human I have ever been witness to...the best part is that faults and all every word spoken was true...that is rare my friends...most people are either a little good and a lot bad or a lot good and a little bad...Mary was all good with a sprinkling of personality and temper...the part that makes that different from others is that you loved all of it...even if you were scared for your life...and if you had crossed Grama you would be scared for your life...ahhh, so many good memories, she ALWAYS fell asleep when reading good night stories to you...so often that we grandkids decided she was reading herself good night stories...she had the worlds scariest basement, but some of the coolest stuff was down there so you had to swallow that fear and take an extra shoe to kill the jungle spiders with on your way down into the musty, vitaminy darkness...the fruit room as she called it (pantry) was stocked to high heaven with canned goods she had grown and canned herself...including one petrified jar of pickles (I wish I was old enough to have gotten to keep that...but alas it was out of my hands) then there was a "rec" room that was mostly storage of the unorganized fashion of medical books, vitamins, toys and musical instuments...there was afireplace in this room but we were never allowed a fire in it...probably because we would have burned down the house...but it was the coldest room in the whole place so you can see why we were always a hopin'...then, last and most spectacular was the second guest bedroom...this was the smallest room in the basement, darkest room in the basement, most favored room in the basement...it was entirely cedar wood panels and included a small closet...it had two single beds and two night stands as well as some of the scariest stuffed animals ever created....seriously, what were toy makers thinking in the 1930's? huge heads and buggy eyes with tongues hanging out of odd colored mouths....ack! Anna, my older cousin was always queen of make believe and could come up with the best ideas...that basement room may never have been used as a guest room but it was everything from a train bunk room to a ships cabin...good times...upstairs was the ugliest shag carpet of all time...and I loved it....and another guest room with big bright windows and a pretty bed cover...also a cool closet that you had to step up into because there was a drawer full of toys at it's base...ahh, also a moldy sand box always full of cat poo...and a huge pear tree...no joke.
My Grandma was so cool she could talk to turkeys and they would talk back and she was probably the worlds finest whistler...she couldn't sing a note but she could whistel like a bird right along side the finest voices...and even though it was all health food at her house some of it rocked...like fig newtons and vitamin C tabs that we used to fight over because they tasted so good...thanks to Neo Life...those are the vitamins you want...the ones you have to fight over cause they taste like candy instead of ass.

Texas adventures

2006-04-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

Texas is the most special state I have ever been to, or lived in....if you know me at all I am using my "special" special here...it is the only state that drivers go UNDER the speed limit on the freeway, where hitting skunks seems to be the point of getting in your texas truck, where they sell large dill pickles at the movie rental check out instead of candy, where you order a whopper and it comes with jalopenios and bbq sauce, where you can't find chilled white wine to save your life in a store, where they have tex mex food at a chinese buffet, where none of the peers have seen The Goonies, where there is a Town and Country gas station every block instead of Starsucks, where the water tastes so bad you either filter it and hold your breath as you swallow or visit one of many raindrop shaped huts to fill your five gallon bucket for a dollar, where 30 seconds of sprinkling rain causes massive car pile-ups, and where there is nothing even close to resembling home...now that the hangin party is here I should probably stop my rant.

Thank goodness we are going to Arizona next! Ha! Screw you flatest/ugliest/most pointless state of all time....go make yourself your own country cause we don't want you! (okay a bit too harsh, but it's nothing compared to oregon)

My name is Nellie Jo

2006-04-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

So we cheated, we got one of those internet plug in thingies that lets us use other peoples wireless if they don't have it locked...we can't afford internet at the moment and our library is closed...so we cheated.
Robbie, I have been wanting to answer your post about our closeness while not even dating but haven't been on the net...so here goes:
Jason tried to woo me for 8 months and I denied his every woo...we were friends but I was actively no more than that...then, on the day he left for college (again) he left me a letter and a brown paper bag of things he saw and bought because he has thought of me when he saw them...as I read the letter and looked at the stuff I was so blown away...floored actually...and right then it was like a light switch got thrown because I knew in my heart that he was "the one" and that I needed to reconcile that thought to myself over the next few months while he was at school...so we wrote a lot and I never let on that things had changed on my end...I didn't want to mess up his schooling and all and I knew I would need to time to get over all I had gone through before he came into my life. Okay, I guess that about sums it up.
In other news, the strangest things have been going on lately...I have been looking for several people lately, well, almost since the days we parted, but I have been unsucessful until the last month...when three of them have gotten in contact with me...on their own accord...two through this blog...so odd....I love it thought because these are people I care a lot about and have missed so much in the last few years! I never thought my blog title would "give me away" But apparently everyone knows I have a potty mouth and like bathroom words...having a less common name probably helps too....so, if anyone else is in the market for looking up a Nellie Jo, this is more than likely her...if you didn't like her or she was mean/etc to you, then this is not her...I am sweet as pie and I never lie...oops, just did...seriously, I do appologize for any grief I may have caused this world...it would not suprise me to find I had made a few enemies is grade school, I was a stupid kid....at this point though I would be a bit more suprised cause I've grown up a lot and I like people...sometimes....so if youre mad at me now I'm sorry...it's the best I can do without having anything to reference.

I'm a nerd

2005-12-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

Before Jason and I were dating I wrote to him almost every other day...he wrote too...anyway, I was into code at the time and so I sent an entire letter in code...now I don't remember the coed...but jason saved the letter because it reads like crazy poetry...here you are:

SOMETIMES I THINK WIND AND RAW ARE MIXED ENTITIES. CAN YOU SEE WHAT ELEPHANTS TELL THE MICE AS THEY TURN AND THIN ANT FARMS? HAVE LONELY THOUGHTS INVADED LONG PINING DREAMS? NOWADAYS YOU HAVE TO PLEASE GUESTS MORE THAN EVER. I'M INTERESTED IN AMATURE SAKE' CHARMERS...TOO UGLY FOR ANOTHER ROUND. EXIT. VALUABLE UNDERDOG EXPERIENCE WILL BOUND RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE. LONG YELLOW DAISIES FILL MY EVERY DESIRE YET SOMEHOW ANOTHER BURST HAS PASSED BY UNNOTICED. OVER YELLOWSTONE MOUNTAIN'S YEARLY GAME. ETUDE OR OTHER UNDERSTUDIES NATIONAL REPUTATION EXPERIENCES REALLY BAD TASTE IN ENTERTAINMENT TOPICS. HOW LAME IS RICE IN EVERYDAY APPETITES? WHERE NO ONE ANSWERS CALLS WITHOUT INTERLUDES OF OPPINION GETTING ACTIVE OR YELLING NAMES, THAT IS THE PLACE FOR ME. OVER THE TOP, SUMMER DAZE AND NIGHTLY CAMPFIRES ARE HEARTILY CALLING AT KINDRED LADIES, POUNCING LADIES. INTO ARMED EXISTENCES AND CRAMMING NASTY SMELLING KITES GETS ME EVERYTIME. ARE ENTRIES NOT SUPPOSED TO DEMAND MORE INTERESTING EXHIBITS? DOING ANOTHER OPAL NIGHT I SEE. NORMAL DEALS OPEN INCREASES TO APPRECIATION AND KNIGHTS PERCHED NOBLE, PER OVERSIZED RAIL. WONDER EVERMORE WHEN CATS HIT INSIDE THE LINE. ANTICIPATE ANOTHER TURBULENT TRAIL. INSIDE ESSENTIAL SOUND TRAILS HEAVING HASTE OPENLY AFTER UNTOUCHED TREAD TOUCHED NOTHING, LENT NOTHING DURING ORGAN DAY. TOMATOES ON TENDER INK OR MAYBE MEATBALLS INCREASES ESKEW SYNDROMES, NOT SOMETHING TOO MANY YODELERS INCLUDE ON OPENING UMBRELLA NIGHT. LAWNS EVERYWHERE OFFER VIRTUALLY ANYTHING EXCEPT DONUTS RIDING SLOWLY. YONDER , AFRICA TAMES NO HEART. DUH...I LAUGH NOT ON TIME, AFTER EVERYONE DOES, LEST I BECOME THE NORM. SAND STICKS ON NOTHING. EVERYTHING.

I take no responcibility for my weirdness...at all.

Jason's words

2005-12-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

LONG HAIR, FINE FACE
CHANGING EYES, HIDDEN GRACE
CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE MYSELF FLEE
FROM THE ROLE SHE'LL PLAY IN ME
STRESS EXPANDS, TEARS FLOW
SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT TO GROW
OR DOES SHE AND JUST CAN'T ESCAPE
WHAT SEEMS TO HER HER GIVEN FATE
I WISH THAT I COULD INTERVENE
BECOME A POWER SO SUPREME
WASH HER TROUBLES ALL AWAY
REMOVE HER FROM THE RAGING FRAY
BUT ALAS, TIS NOT MY GRACE TO GIVE
SHE'LL TURN ELSE WHERE IF SHE WANTS TO LIVE
LONG HAIR, FINE FACE
CHANGING EYES, HIDDEN GRACE

Fleas

2005-11-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

how does this crap always seem to happen when it is least expected? Last night as I was winding down from my packing I noticed our dog Bailey biting her butt....so I inspected and sure enough, she has fleas...so into the tub she goes and I wash her twice with flea shampoo....drown those little buggers...and then for the first time ever I bathed my cat...she screamed like a banchee and actedlikeI was killing her...but other than a 6-8 inch long gash down my hand/wrist we both came out okay...so then off to the store I go to get carpet powder and flea med. for the animals. I get home around 11pm so I know I can't vacuum the carpet till the morning ...instead I apply the flea med to the animals and hope it works...unlike the flea collars they were both wearing. It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't trying to pack up the apt in the next three days...there is stuff everywhere waiting for a box to put it in...so I get to try and move all of this crap so I can treat the carpet...and this wouldn't have happened to this degree if our housemate hadn'tslept on the living room floor....because she was in two rooms instead of one there was always something on the floor that would take time and effort to move so I could vacuum...and there was a part of me that wanted to see how bad she would let the carpet she slept on get before she would vacuum it...I did the rest of the cleaning for the most part and worked two jobs...I felt it was the least she could do to help around the house...I think in the two months she lived with us it happened three times...not counting when I vacuumed...so, the problem would have been a lot lighter if the floors had been properly vacuumed all along...suck those nasty's right up and out...not that this is her fault...just amplified by her way of life in our house. I was supposed to get the oil changed in our car today...but that will have to wait...I've got to get the carpets done before I go to work tonightsothis problem getsbit in the butt...and my dog doesn't...arrrgggg! Off to clean.

Jason called!

2005-10-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting for almost two weeks to hear from my husband...so, today he calls and we got to talk for eight minutes...it was wonderful...but ever since I have been so depressed...I am unbelievably down...I think it's because he sounded so tired and worn out and unhappy...I know he's in boot camp and it's not going to be fun at all....but Jason is almost never down and to hear him feel like I do most of the time is hard to swallow. He asked me to have everyone send as many letters as they are willing to write...he said that they help him get through his day more than we could ever know...I am going to try to double the amount I have been sending...he's been getting about two a day from me and at least one if I am slacking...so if you know Jason...send mail...the address is on the forum or you can call me...this is so dang hard...only four and a half weeks left till I get to see him...but so much has to happen between now and then...I am moving in with my parents in Las Vegas...trying to save money now that my housemate situation hasn't worked out as planned. I really hope all of this gets worked out quick...I don't have much time to pull it all together and most of it is stuff I am not familiar with...like Jason's creditors...I have never dealt with them because they are not mine....oh well...things have already begun to work themselves out...so I am super sure this is the right choice for us.
I didn't think it would feel like I was gone when Jason left...I knew he would be gone....but I didn't realize how big a part of me he had become...most of me is in Texas right now...and I need all of me here to make this go smoothly...half my brain is gone too....tad bit preoccupied...I'm lucky I remember my own name these days...it's almost funny. I am amazed at how supportive everyone has been around me...I've never know that kind of support before...I need it, we need it.
Thank you to all you care and have offered help, prayers, and support.

New choices

2005-10-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

So my mom called reciently and was hoping I would move in with them while Jason is away...they live in Vegas and my mom just had heart surgery so they could use the help. I'm having a hard time deciding what I should do...I have made a commitment here with Anna, but my mom is my mom and she's asking for me to do something I have the ability to do...I just don't want to leave Anna in a place where she is screwed...I know it would come as a shock to her, and her plans, for me to go help out my family...but in six months she would have to move again anyway...not that it's right for me to go changing things on her like this...but seriously,what should I do? Family? Friend? Do I really have to choose? Shouldn't they kind of work hand in hand anyway...shouldn't there be a base level of understanding for these kinds of things? Shouldn't a door open for Anna if I do end up going to Vegas? Is that too much to hope for or ask? That in all of this and all of these changesthat everything could work out and no one would get hurt?!
The thing that stinks the most in all of this is that no matter what secision I make I will feel guilt. If I don't stay I will feelguilty for leaving Anna with littlenotice of need to change her living situation and if I stay I will feel guilt for not helping my family. It's almost a no brainer for me to go help them out....but then again, it's a no brainer to stick with my commitments too.

life sucks

2005-10-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

I cannot even begin to handle this on my own. The problem is that everyone in my life has offered to help and for the most part the only person who could is Jason...and he's unavailable. Everyday that he has been gone I have had some financial suprise I didn't know about...a hoop or 20 to jump through just to get someone to talk to me about it and no end in sight. We don't get paid till the first of November...our lease is up the 21 of October...we have to have a decision made by the end of this week....and our savings needs to remain as savings because there isn't much of it and if anything happens I don't want to screw ourselves by spending it on rent. Besides, the way things are looking I'm going to need the savings for other "suprises" as they come about. I know it's stupid, but even the responsibility of taking care of our fish tank seems overwhelming...walking the dog an impossibiliy. There is so much to do and I simply cannot keep up with it. The house is a mess, not as bad as it normaly has been...but still it grates...the finances are unknown and difficult to deal with...I can't park the car in the garage without hitting the side of the door post and getting paint all over it...there are three cats to feed and for some reason I am responsible for buying the food for all three...not to mention the two extras eat a LOT more than mine...I know it's petty and a bad idea to blog publicly about my household and housemate...but what other outlet do I have? I know that if she could help financially she would...that she has already helped with what she can...but I am on the other end feeling so much pressure...I feel like I am supposed to be able to provide a two bedroom apt...fun and intertainment..food for everyone and every animal, clean up after everything and still have the time to work two part time jobs...one job sucks and as soon as I can I am quitting it...the other only sucks because I don't get near enough hours and the way they run things is ubber frustrating....but the frustrating I can handle....just gimme hours. I feel like I go to work for nothing....i give them my time and energy, my emotional best and come away with some of the smallest checks I have ever seen...I feel like I am back at the conference center...not to mention that when I get home my emotions are shot and I have no energy....arrrgggg!
I hate money, I feel like that is all I ever talk about...we live well compared to 99% of the world at our poorest and yet all I do is worry about money. It's true that I have good reason....and I don't want to go hungry or be homeless...but seriously...I would like a new subject. AND I don't like feeling like I am unintentionally asking for a hand out...cause I am not...I should be able to handle things on my own....I should be able to pay our bills, I should be able to handle a frustrating change...such as having a housemate or not having my husband around for six months...but apparently I can't. The bills should work out as soon as we get the first check through the goverment...and I wouldn't worry nearly as much if I didn't feel like everything was getting paid for out of our pocket...like groceries etc....but that simply isn't possible until things start to get fixed financialy for our housemate.
Anna and I have had some good times lately...seriously enjoyable evenings...I wish humans only remembered the good times instead of dwelling only on the bad. I don't honestly know what I would do without her help emotionally...she has been there for me and I really needed it/still need it. Coming home to an empty house after Jason left would have been a very bad thing...and I didn't have to because Anna has been gracious enough to deal and put up with the ranting and raving and complaining and the emotional out bursts of me...I couldn't do that, I couldn't deal with an emotionally unsound housemate that blogs about me in a onesided light because that is how she deals....I couldn't handle feeling like I was causeing someone that much frustration...and then the way that would make me feel inside as a person would suck and already having things out of my hands in my own life?! Ahhh, I could not put up with living with me...
I think I've spread enough negativity for one day...I'm off to try to deal with things.

Boot Camp

2005-10-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

So Jason has only been gone for two days and it feels like a week. The day he left I got an unexpected call from his bank and had to jump through a million hoops to even get them to talk to me about his account. Note to self, from here on out be in charge of the bills and billing...I don't like financial suprises...for me it either means I owe something I was unaware of or someone has died...not a fan.
So I got strawberry shortcake slippers today...the old school one...I love them...they were a Birthday present...and I got a plant that grows out of an egg and has something written on it as it grows...I am so excited.
Anna and I are watching old stupid movies to take our minds off of missing Jason and our collective financial frustrations. Yay for teenage vampires from outerspace.

Do you want to live forever? (conan)

community life

2005-09-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Not a fan...I've got to tell you I've not had the best time with roommates, housemates or community life....so trying this again for the next six months is not easy. I like things a certain way, I like the house to stay at a very specific level of clean....I like the bills to be payable and finances coming in...I like to treat my household and all it's possessions in a specific way with a specific amount of respect....and how in the world do you tell someone else that?! Or do you even mention it because if you do it's not so much community living as Nellies way of living?! Arg! There are a lot of things that would make this easier....but none of them are available to me at this time and really it could be a lot worse. In no way do I want to come off like everything is down the crapper and I can't stand my housemate...cause that is not true...I am simply trying to figure out how to do this after getting married and having our own way of doing things....and now trying to put another person in this and make it work without driving either party nutty. And what is justice, what would God have us do when we are faced with decisions on helping to pay the other parties rent when it's not in their power to do so themselves....esp, when we can't really afford to be paying more than we already are?! I have been so frustrated in the not knowing realm. I don't know what to do and it is driving me nuts. I know things are supposed to be getting better as our housemate gets started working and money comes available to her...and as that happens a two bedroom becomes possible...but there is just no garuntee that this is going to happen...I've looked for work here for nine months and gotten nothing better than one simi part time job and one seasonal fully partime job....not 25 hours a week for sure...more like 12 and there is no way our housemate will be able to contribute at that rate...so what do we do?! Who's advice to I take? How do I hear God in this and what would he have me do....I am blogging this because it is so much faster than writing it in my journal....but I take the chance of it getting read (because my blog is open to the whole household and wordl) and missunderstood...this is me venting and dealing not me trying to give a secret message or be a complete jerk. As a friend I couldn't ask for more....as a housemate I could only ask for a little more and at the moment its not available for her to give so what is my issue?! Selfish impatience? A fear that I'll get left holding the bag in the end? A fear that three people and four pets in a one bedroom apt will destroy the cream carpet and we'll have to replace it with money we don't have?! Fear that I will be trying always to play catch up on the house and trying to keep it tidy and smelling good...I just wish moey grew on trees and I had a forest.

I eat now.

Brownies...again

2005-09-06T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I've found a delightful thing...although I have no luck creating a wonderful brownie experience, my new housemate Anna does...and she volunteered....I'm going to have to continue to get her to do this...because otherwise the house may burn to the ground.
So, apparently I like the word SO....anyway, what I was going to say is that in order to commemorate my Grandpa Oops I'm going to get a tatoo...yeah, I know, kinda the "cool" thing to do right now...but seriously, the man meant a lot to me and made a huge difference in my life and I don't want to forget it...I want it forged in pain and blood and made permanent upon my earthly skins...I'm not sure what I will get yet...but I've got a few ideas...it's more an issue of finding a spot for it...because I only want it to show when I want it to show...ya know.
Jason and I went to another wedding at the beach on Sunday...so pretty, so sunny, I got totally loaded and didn't mean to...I had three pints of Bills Beer...it's a beach pub that brews their own...and I totslly forgot that the beach beer is far more potent than the PBR I am used to drinking...oh the drunkenness....well, not totally, but for sure had enough...uhhhph.
Anna my housemate got a new fish...she was so excited that there was room for one in our tank that she wanted to get one of her own...it's a black telescope eyed moore...I had a golden one in college...they are very amusing fish...seriously funny, they burp and fart and swimm dance for food...better than TV anyday! I guess that's a good thing because our cable just got audited and we no longer have it...pretty good though, we've been here for 10 months and haven't had to pay for cable yet....although now it's gone....I guess I'll just HAVE to read more often...darn...hee hee hee.
The pool calls to me, I must transform from this earthly shell into my mermaid self and enjoy a gorgeous day...neener neener...just kidding.

Jason is wonderful

2005-08-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

The funeral is in Montana, and all flights to there were around 550.00 cheapest...Jason got online and talked to someone about berevement fairs and got the total down to 570.00 for both my mom and myself to fly out there and home. I couldn't have gotten through this without Jason...he has carried me through. I look back at all the tought stuff I went through in the past and if he had been there I know it would have gone by much smoother...he has a way about him...a way of calming and creating a sense of peace...I know it's the God in him...but it's almost like I can't see God until I look at him through the life of Jason...maybe because I can see touch and feel Jason and that makes it more believable...I don't know.
I just want to go, be on the flight and get it over with...I want to be there, but I don't want to feel this lose anymore...I want the memories and pictures but not the end...the death to overshadow all the good times.
He had rose bushes in the front lawn...and pine trees...once I was playing hop-scotch and the rock I tossed brok in half, inside was a fossil of a pine bow...so cool, I still have that somewhere. There was a Birtch tree in the front, the only non pine and next to it a light post...just like from Narnia...I always thought there was a secret portal to Narnia somewhere at Grandpa Oopses house. In the basement guest room there was a secret room behind the closet wall...they only used it for storage, but I thought it was the coolest...a pirates treasure trove.

We miss you, we love you, were praying for you even in death.

Oops

2005-08-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

My Grandpa Oops died today...yes that's right Oops. I really thought that was his name untill I turned somewhere around 12 or 14 and realized that couldn't possibly be his name...it was just so natural...I had grown up calling him Grandpa Oops and hearing him called that. His real name was Allie...and back when he was a young buck there was a comic strip called Allie Oop and all his friends started calling him Oops...it stuck.
Typing about this man almost seems like an insult to who he was in life...he was so much more than I could ever attempt to capture in a blog, or in fact many blogs...he was the ultimate gentleman, very proper and upstanding. He fought in multiple battles for the United States and was in the end a (I don't know how to spell this after a day of tears) Colonal/Kernal....however you say it/spellit...in the airforce. He ate a lot of hot dogs but never was a racist or hated another race for the crap he had to go through for this country...unlike my other grandpa who alos fought...but in the army and came away hating anyone unlike him...
Grandpa Oops...life will never be the same without you...Christmas will never be the same again...you were my Christmas...the pipe smoke and coffee smell in the morning, your hobble to the tree to inspect the lights...your bah humbug followed by a laugh...the one year I remeber you dressed uop like Santa even thought I must have only been two or three years old...the dentures you could pop out on command...so cool, the house of my childhood dreams...whenver we stayed I got my own room...hufe, with shutters and lace curtains and a vanity...I thought I was a princess when I was at your house...and I was, in your eyes...maybe even my fathers...I don't know yet...I haven't gotten there in our relationship. I will never forget how as a five year old you and your buddies would stay up late into the night playing pool and trying not to swear too loud...and the one time one of your friends, Ivan I think left us kids three or four dollars each to spend at Yellowstone Park...I thought I was rich...and I was...the wild bunnies that played in your yard and the one time I actually got to pet one....the four leafed clover I found in the back...I pressed it and still have it today...your putter with the statue of the naked lady...the time Andy elbowed the glass off of the table but the base stayed right where it was and the rest shattered...I got in trouble for laughing at that and I never understood why...but I still love you....the red bathroom down stairs with the velvet wallpaper and red sink...scandalous! You lent me 5,000 dollars for college and then forgave the balance I still owed when I got married...I'll never forget that...and my favorite memory...the one time I ever kissed you I kissed your bald head on my way out of the door...I really wanted you to know how much I loved you...but in the least exposing way....and mom said the look on your face was sock and delight all at the same time...I wish you could have known that I felt like that about you from the day I met you till that day you died. I love you Grandpa Oops. I miss you. Rest.

So....

2005-08-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

I just read another girls entire blog...took me a while but I got throught the whole thing...crazy stuff life. I'm glad I have my own...but it really isn't all that much different from someone elses...I'm glad that I am medication free and in a good relationship with my husband, and I haven't cut myself since we lived in Cannon Beach and I haven't beaten myself up (bit o fight club in me) since Jan or Feb of this year...I think I am doing great compaired to how I have been in the past. I eat almost regular meals now...just as normal as the next busy person and I haven't gotten drunk since I dunno, probably dec...whenever we went to Jason's co-workers b-day party at Dodge City...skanky little bar...I puked as soon as we got home....ahhh, I hate being drunk...and I am finally learning to set the right limits...I haven't even smoked pot since living here (not that I had much before...but still) and I was offered it straight up several times...so easily could have gone there and didn't....this isn't like a yay me moment....but seriously, these are major obsticles that I am finally moving around instead of crashing through in an attempt to make life more bearable and less feelable...make me more invisible to myself at least and keep real feelings or problems away.
I've never been what you would call fat...unless your a modle or dancer or gymnist...I guess actress too....but I have never weighd as much as I did when I moved here...I was at 145 when we decided to get rid of the scale and I was slopping out all over the place...just a giant cheese curd stuffed into some skin...I have never felt so gross...well, finally I am back at 128 the weight I have been at since senior year of high school...I'm okay with that...I don't feel fat, I don't feel skinny and I don't care if I lose another pound...as long as I maintain at this weight...BUT, since I did gain all of that weight I have gotten flabby and out of shape...I used to be tones nicely and proud of it....not that pride is a good thing....but self loathing is just as bad...so now I am in the midst of getting back, back to being okay all around with who I am in a physical sense...and keeping my husbands attention...I used to be something to be desired...now I have something I desire to be again....anyway, I want to not let him down...he doesn't deserve to deal with me and all my crap AND for me to look gross....so, there is stands, I've got some work to do.

Half Time

2005-08-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

Yowling coyotes, echo
Off canyon floors
They bring tension
With yellow eyes
Stinging through
Night's hiding

Prairie grass
Molds in complete darkness
Trees breath pine
Through broken roots

A strand of grey smoke
Pretzels through a confining chimney
While rain spatters
Paint on white
Paper

The moon orbits
Enclosing trees to
Shed light
I am left, so silent.

Down

2005-08-08T10:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning SO down...it's beautiful outside...the sun is out, the animals are happy and I'm depressed...silly I know, but how do I get myself out of it?! I was super lucky today beacuse Jason's dad popped over to pick up something my mom sent to his wife and it took the focus off of me long enough that by the time he left and I had finished my devotions I felt fine. I just don't get how easy it is to get into that minset of life sucks...I mean, it does an awful lot, but that's no reason to torture yourself by emotionally letting life suck 24/7...I know that being depressed is about as selfish a thing that a person can be or do...but how do you help it when it comes....it's not as if I am asking, "Oh please, please can I feel like crap about life today!" If anything I've been working my butt off to get better....apparantly something is helping 'cause one interuption doesn't usually "fix" things. I am SO glad too because today is SO beautiful and I want to enjoy it. The kicker here is that I feel like depression is a sin...at least for me...because it starts with complete self focuse and ends with fear...I am afraid of life and all that it holds...I hate the unknown and fear the next step...and to make things that much easier I don't like to work hard for results. Sheesh.
Okay, so I'm gonna call it quits here cause I'm starting to get (bad music here) DOWN.

In the Heat of Dance

2005-08-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

Bound hands unearth new moves
Pools form in eyes, stagnant, holding nothing
They spill over squinting eyelids
Head twitching, rattling the hook
On a thin, peeling door
Scalding pain swirls through every cell, while
Disintegrating floorboards cry out
At the sudden addition of weight
Lightning crashes through her mind
A surge of injustice flows
choking defeat
Blistered feet
Tap rapidly on the dance floor
Pulling every muscle in the
Ears, she listens to
a pattern, splinters
On the danceroom
Platform.

Where Birds Mourn

2005-08-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

Scotch tape shines
Brightly
In the sun, caught on
A limb.

Bird songs dance
On branches of night
But sun pushes moon away.

Away from their labored
Breathing and the drum
Of lifeless salutes.

To broken leaders
And untamed men
I raise my hand
Waving only to reconcile thier loss.

Brownies are evil...and mean

2005-07-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

So, here I am after a week of doubles and lengthened shifts...my first day off...and all I did all day was run errands and clean the house...it's 10:45pm and I am not done yet...still have at least another hour of work that needs done and I ask mysefl...where the hell was my day off? Did I forget and go to work today? Was I supposed to get paid for the time put in today?! Sheesh...I had no idea that two people could make such a mess outta a one bedroom apt. It's almost funny to me that I spent the day working...and tomorrow is full too....full of fun, but still tiring in the end. I must be getting old or something...stuff like this was no big deal before...now I'm like...ummm, no thank you, I would rather live in a pig sty then spend an hour cleaning. I'm a nerd, but at least the house is clean now.
There are brownies in the oven...I hope they turn out ok...you would think that brownies are unfailable...but no, then there was me...I follow the directions, but somehow things go horribly wrong in the end. SO, I just took them out of the oven...several minutes before the timer was supposed to go off just to make sure they were doing ok...and they were just staring up at me and burning...like haha, were going to toast ourselves silly just to prove that you can follow the directions all you want...we win in the end...so that's it then...brownies are evil...and to think all these years I was duped into thinking they were delicious tastes of heaven...nope, just the building blocks of hell. okay, so I'm being rediculous...I just used a word I have no idea how to spell...yay...I feel...stupid. I'm going to get a drink of gin...that should help the next batch come out of the oven perfectly...haha! okay, maybe not, but I'll try my best anyway...I'll let ya know what happens...untill then I'm going to keep on blogging...not only the burnedness, but also when picking up the brownies at the store I somehow chose the one wrong row, so I ended up with two regular and two dark chocolate brownies...not exactly what I was hoping for.
SO I'm listening to a wedding CD that a girl I know did for her wedding...she and her soon to be husband recorded all the songs on it...they are phenominally talented...Vanessa has done TV, theater, you name it...she dances, sings, acts, shes beautiful and perfect....and I'm ashamed to admit that I have always been jealous of her...I wanted to BE her in high school...but I'm not, so I just keep listening and enjoying her talent. If you don't know her yet, some day you will...that girl is destined to be famous.
Yeah, I pretty much should give up brownie making...I turned down the oven and pulled them even earlier than last time and still they burn...no fair....going to bed now.

The garbage stinks

2005-07-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

I meant it when I said it...the trash in the kitchen is wafting it's way toward me and making me feel sick...it's kinda got a rotten fruit/vomit smell...probable 'cause those two things are in there...and it's hot...and the fan is blowing on it...will I take it out...not till the bag is full, can't waste a new bag. I get that from my mom, growing up on one income 25, 00 a year for a family of four...it was a lot more in the 80's...but still not that much, so we saved a lot of money by being the weird kids at school with the thrift store or hand me down clothes...the cheap shampoo, the 7 minute shower, the grocerie bag used for a trash bag (taped inside the can to make it fit a 13 gallon can...come to think of it we probably spent the same in tape as we would have in bags that fit)...we had it really good...and I'm not trying to complain...I always had food to eat and a family that drove me nuts but loved me no matter what...and no matter how you turn the picture I had a lot more than most of the world does...and I still do. Somehow I feel really guilty about that...but I don't know if I would be willing to give up everything and change places with someone in a third-world country...I don't think I would survive...and that's scary.
Our dog has been really sick the last four or five days...we gave in and took her to the vet yesterday...hard for me to justify taking a dog to the vet for anything more than spay/neutering or to be put down...I think it goes back to the saving money thing, but we took her in...and SUPRISE! She's improved a lot...I am very relieved. It's her vomit in the trash...she couldn't help it...blaaaaggg...all over the carpet...and how did I find it?! I stepped in it bare foot when I got home from work...on my way to the bedroom for PJ's and squish, glop, aarrgggg! I guess that in the end I am just grateful that she is doing much better...she's been a great addition to our family and I don't want to lose her before her time.

A bit of background on our dog:
Jason and I had been dating about a year and a half when Jason adopted our dog...I had been talking about my childhood dog a lot lately and I think he got one partly to shut me up...I was very close to Bentley...a weiner dog we got when I was five...and I was tramatized at having to put him down at 19...but it was his time to go...I missed him terribly...he was 17 years old when he got put out of his misery...he was very ill with cancer and it was cruler to keep him alive then to put him to sleep...but way too tough to do myself...I felt sick that his last feeling was fear...I was holding him...but he was terrified of the vets office...he kept looking at me like "what did I do wrong?" Anyway, I was talking about all of this a lot and one day Jason comes over after work and says he adopted a dog...her name was Jackie...well, right away I was like OH NO! Jackie was the name of my nutty landlord and I was picturing a crazy, horrible dog...but the day we went to get her from the pound I knew right away I had nothing to worry about. Out of the vets ofice comes this medium sized dog that can't walk straight because of the medication she had been on when they took away the baby possibilities...she's severly underweight...27 lbs I think she was when we got her....and her front legs were scraped up like someone had dragged her for a mile on a gravel road...add a huge stiched area where thay had spayed her and you have a pretty sad looking doggers...soon after adopting her we named her Bailey to keep the weird landlord thing out of the piture...and besides, at the time we were both new on the drinking scene so a name that reflected an almost nightly passtime was very fitting for us. Bailey was three when we got her so most of who she is had already been formed...she came from a severly abusive background so everything made her jump and flinch...She's calmed down a lot since we got her...and now that she is in a stable home and back at a healthy weight (at least 45 lbs) she thinks she's the queen bee...and she pretty much is....she's so fun...but still sick poor girl. The cat is cracking me up...she sees how much attention Bailey is getting right now, special meals, extra walks, more lax on the rules...so today when she was coming up the steps she pulls out this limp...from nowhere...just to see how much she could get out of it...it was so funny that I just laughed and she stopped limping and stocked away...another plan FOILED!
I should go...but this is so fun...it's all about me and no one cares and I love it...haha.

James Bond

2005-07-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

So, I love these films...they are so dirty...full of womanizing and foolishness...but very intertaining...I'm watching Never Say Never Again right now...will James Bond never learn?!

gettin' dirty

2005-07-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

I've not been so dirty in years, but something about camping really soothed some of the frustrations of living in a fast paced world...Jason and I got away for a few days and I can really tell the difference...I was nice at Winco...I am never nice at Winco...the people there are out of control...and then I get out of control. Anyway, it was really good to leave the phone at home and take deep breaths of clean mountain air.
I like beer.

poop

2005-07-17T01:08:00.000-07:00

SO, this is it...my won personal blogggg...most of it will be S&*%$#@! I am sure hence the title...but it's mine and I won't deny it. Must sleep...tomorrow is already here.